I struggled many times with easily forgetting the imperfections of others, and all too easily remembering all my own mistakes. It left me feeling on a completely different level than those around me. When in a large group, feeling out of place, like I don't belong.
Yet, I also struggled with feeling like I could not fit it to save my life, I suppose I didn't want to be like everyone else anyways, but it was in a "not good enough" type of outlook.
I also felt like others thought I was this amazing person, or thought so well of me, because they just didn't know me well enough. I still believe that is the case.
I feel like they just have not seen enough of me when I'm annoying, awkward, upset, frustrated...this is still true. I am 100% imperfect, every fiber of my being is infected. I'm much farther from perfection than I would like to be.
I held these standards for myself that did not allow for mistakes, error, when that happened, I would pummel myself relentlessly. I grew up feeling I had to keep everyone at a distance, because when they got too close, it was too much...they would disappear, and I would be alone again. I felt like friends only cared as much about me as my image, and I took to heart every negative comment someone would make.
Though I went through feeling kicked around, worthless, like everything that went wrong was my fault, like I was responsible for everything, even when it was someone else's choice, I found a couple very important comments made by a couple readers to be of particular encouragement recently.
There were moments I asked myself, or perhaps my best friend, "what is it about me that makes me too good and yet not good enough?! What makes me so worthless that I can be picked up as though I am something special only to be tossed aside time and again like I am trash? Why is it that the things most important to me seem to come and go like wind, based on someone's mood and convenience?
But I look back and realize, my best friend has never done that to me, it makes me tear up just thinking of that, and how he's been insurmountably, a better friend to me, than I even remotely to him.
I learned that when I feel like I'm being pulled further from the person I want to be, or feel like my values are being compromised or impacted adversely, I don't function well with that. I get frustrated, and shut down, I become depressed or stubborn, I begin to hate the person I am becoming. I fight to hold on to those because I feel like those are a part of me, and to turn on those would be to turn on myself. I found that, that is what can make me feel so dispensable at times.
I found that I am still breathing, I am still fighting, reluctantly. The strength I have is thanks to my best friend, he has been patient with me time and time again.
Even this month, I begin talking myself out of volunteering for extra work next month, telling myself I'm not fit...recounting all my poor choices I've made in life...and a friend reassures me and encourages me to do it, then the person accepting the applications is so very positive about it, and had already reassured me that I was qualified...against my self condemning heart.
I have been kicked around, tossed aside, beaten down...like the rest of us...probably not as much as others. Yet, the only reason I am here, at peace again, feeling okay again, breathing, living, dreaming again, having found that dreamer and reinforcement, is because of my friends, and most importantly, my best friend.
I can find myself feeling alone in facing my heaviest feats, and yet, my best friend has always given me just enough to get through, reminding that he doesn't need anyone to be my close friend when I'm going through hardship to get me through difficulties. He will always find a way, and he will always be that friend.
I don't know why he loves me the way that he does, but I love that he does. It moves me to tears to think of his kindness, mercy, his love. That's what draws me most, because I know without a doubt, without that, I would have no hope.
Thank you readers, you have no idea how much you've encouraged me.
Thank you reader, I don't think you knew your comment would continue as a comfort even years later.
Thank you my very best friend, for patiently helping me through the most difficult of times, and reminder me that you do not need anyone to give me what I need. You will always find a way. Thank you my very best friend, for seeing what I didn't, and lovingly helping me through it more patiently than you could have, for knowing all of the pain, tears, pleas, and looking at me, to see more in me than I have ever seen in myself. Thank you so very much my very best friend, for forgiving me for so many things, times, for not giving up on me!
I look back, and find I am glad things did not work out with certain situations in my past. I learned from them, but also, my best friend had seen what I didn't, I've only come to see a little more now, and understand better now, why things were so difficult, and worked out the way that they did.
I feel like I am looking at the sky, wondering what it would be like to fly again. I hope that my dear readers are doing well, and still fighting the fight. Thank you again, for everything!
