Still Fighting

I was reading back through my old posts, and came across Reflection. The comment a reader left gave me much encouragement. I found this to be the case often. My readers helped me gain comfort, and inspiration. Thank you so very much. I can not express how many times a reader left a comment that gave me encouragement and comfort.

I struggled many times with easily forgetting the imperfections of others, and all too easily remembering all my own mistakes. It left me feeling on a completely different level than those around me. When in a large group, feeling out of place, like I don't belong.

Yet, I also struggled with feeling like I could not fit it to save my life, I suppose I didn't want to be like everyone else anyways, but it was in a "not good enough" type of outlook.

I also felt like others thought I was this amazing person, or thought so well of me, because they just didn't know me well enough. I still believe that is the case.

I feel like they just have not seen enough of me when I'm annoying, awkward, upset, frustrated...this is still true. I am 100% imperfect, every fiber of my being is infected. I'm much farther from perfection than I would like to be.

I held these standards for myself that did not allow for mistakes, error, when that happened, I would pummel myself relentlessly. I grew up feeling I had to keep everyone at a distance, because when they got too close, it was too much...they would disappear, and I would be alone again. I felt like friends only cared as much about me as my image, and I took to heart every negative comment someone would make.

Though I went through feeling kicked around, worthless, like everything that went wrong was my fault, like I was responsible for everything, even when it was someone else's choice, I found a couple very important comments made by a couple readers to be of particular encouragement recently.


There were moments I asked myself, or perhaps my best friend, "what is it about me that makes me too good and yet not good enough?! What makes me so worthless that I can be picked up as though I am something special only to be tossed aside time and again like I am trash? Why is it that the things most important to me seem to come and go like wind, based on someone's mood and convenience?

But I look back and realize, my best friend has never done that to me, it makes me tear up just thinking of that, and how he's been insurmountably, a better friend to me, than I even remotely to him.

I learned that when I feel like I'm being pulled further from the person I want to be, or feel like my values are being compromised or impacted adversely, I don't function well with that. I get frustrated, and shut down, I become depressed or stubborn, I begin to hate the person I am becoming. I fight to hold on to those because I feel like those are a part of me, and to turn on those would be to turn on myself. I found that, that is what can make me feel so dispensable at times.

I found that I am still breathing, I am still fighting, reluctantly. The strength I have is thanks to my best friend, he has been patient with me time and time again.

Even this month, I begin talking myself out of volunteering for extra work next month, telling myself I'm not fit...recounting all my poor choices I've made in life...and a friend reassures me and encourages me to do it, then the person accepting the applications is so very positive about it, and had already reassured me that I was qualified...against my self condemning heart.

I have been kicked around, tossed aside, beaten down...like the rest of us...probably not as much as others. Yet, the only reason I am here, at peace again, feeling okay again, breathing, living, dreaming again, having found that dreamer and reinforcement, is because of my friends, and most importantly, my best friend.

I can find myself feeling alone in facing my heaviest feats, and yet, my best friend has always given me just enough to get through, reminding that he doesn't need anyone to be my close friend when I'm going through hardship to get me through difficulties. He will always find a way, and he will always be that friend.

I don't know why he loves me the way that he does, but I love that he does. It moves me to tears to think of his kindness, mercy, his love. That's what draws me most, because I know without a doubt, without that, I would have no hope.

Thank you readers, you have no idea how much you've encouraged me.

Thank you reader, I don't think you knew your comment would continue as a comfort even years later.

Thank you my very best friend, for patiently helping me through the most difficult of times, and reminder me that you do not need anyone to give me what I need. You will always find a way. Thank you my very best friend, for seeing what I didn't, and lovingly helping me through it more patiently than you could have, for knowing all of the pain, tears, pleas, and looking at me, to see more in me than I have ever seen in myself. Thank you so very much my very best friend, for forgiving me for so many things, times, for not giving up on me!

I look back, and find I am glad things did not work out with certain situations in my past. I learned from them, but also, my best friend had seen what I didn't, I've only come to see a little more now, and understand better now, why things were so difficult, and worked out the way that they did.
I feel like I am looking at the sky, wondering what it would be like to fly again. I hope that my dear readers are doing well, and still fighting the fight. Thank you again, for everything!

Update And A Short Story

I'm sorry, to whatever readers I may still have. I haven't had much to, or could, really write about in ways of stories or recent events, or reflection for that matter. Honestly, inspiration has not gotten the better of me as of recent...except for, I suppose a few poems. Most of its been trying to sort, understand, and regain footing. 

I really didn't expect my blogs to last this long. I suppose my writings were always best left in my head, or a book I could keep to myself for the most part. 

I really just started my first blog in my teens, because I really had to get my thoughts out of my head, it was nice to think someone might be there. Then I started it back up for a friend just for fun. I am trying to find the mental energy to put something together soon.
I truly hope everyone is well.

I wanted to apologize again for all the trouble I've caused my readers. I also wanted to thank all of my readers, still here or not. For what? Their patience, encouragement, and support.

Honestly, the last year and a half were my most difficult years. I had hit hopelessness as I never had before, it was crushing.
I think the external force magnifying that has changed, and I am recovering. I am sorry I kept this to myself for so long.
Honestly, I didn't want to post until I had regained that person I have been reading in previous posts, not sure I ever would. I wanted the post to be more positive and upbeat since I have no doubt everyone's fighting their own battles.
I had hit an internal WWI it felt like, in my youth, and never wanted to experience that again, fighting smaller battles since then. Much to my disappointment, these past couple years, I felt like I had hit the WWII I was hoping, and trying, never to face. I felt like I was knocked back down to square one and had to work my way back up internally, all over again. What's worse, I wasn't even sure I could. I felt so drained, even now I struggle a little with the getting back on my feet again, walking, tripping, falling.
I have found moments though, laughing, feeling okay, breathing, feeling like old times, like there is still a smolder and I just might be able to regain that flame that was once inside.
Though I learned from the experience, and some relationships were strengthened by going through what I did, I felt rather lost and hopeless. Reading old posts, I miss that hope, that person that was so determined to be more than they were told they could be, to step outside of their box of life and reach for something more, even when things were down.

I'm okay, everything is okay, I'm living and breathing, and recovering...just not as quickly as I would like. I received support from people I never expected. My best friend is still asking me why I'm holding back so much now, he's giving me the go ahead that he's still with me, supporting me, helping me, believing in my potential ,more than I do myself, he's reminding me that he's still here with me, as I keep thinking he's left or going to leave. His patience and mercy continually hits the core of my heart, not fully understanding why he loves me like he does, but loving that he does..
I want to get back into the fulltime service, I want to do the things i used to and be balanced out a little more like I felt then, I want to have that relative peace again. I will keep trying to regain that, but it's like an injury and you have to learn to walk again, I'm not healing and improving at the rate I want to, and I'm missing the fire that was once there. But I know these things take time.
I am facing choices and not sure what my next move should be, remain the arctic shrew, or become something else.
I am doing well most days though and am finding pieces of that fire again. Tomorrow I will try to post my last couple crazy weeks.

I hope everyone is doing well and fighting the fight!

Here's another short story off the top of my head, it was floating around a little bit, maybe I'll finally catch it:

Sunrise

As the light gleamed from the sunset, it cast a warmth upon her. She sat there watching from a mountain side while prepping for a campfire, thinking how she missed the seashore. The sounds of the water used to be so calming. She tried to recall how she came to be where she was now, but she couldn't, or perhaps, she didn't want to. 

It took her back to memories she thought she had forgotten...

Seven years old, she sat there on the beach, drawing flowers in the sand. Her older brother came up to her, "What are you doing?" 

She looked up at him and smiled, "Making flowers!" He paused a moment, "Want to go look for stuff in the water?." She looked up to notice the tide had receded. She jumped up in her pink sandals, pink corduroy shorts, and flowered tank top, with her blonde curly hair, "Yeah!"

Skipping from rock to rock, they would look at what the tide left behind in little pools of water. They would spend hours, finding rocks, shells, and creatures they found interesting. It wasn't difficult to amuse them with the simple things. They loved watching things work, and finding little treasures in the sand. 

She'd look at her brother, thinking to herself how much fun she was having. 

She didn't care about the harsh words classmates would say to her, she didn't understand why they would do that. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter how cold the outside world was, when she had her own little world of peace.

She and her brother would have so many adventures. Playing on the rocks, looking for creatures and items on the beach, looking for bugs under the rocks in the fields, digging forts in the dirt, digging tunnels. None of the things that happened outside mattered because she had her home, her place to go to, adventuring with her brother.

She never imagined that she would miss that, because she never imagined that was something she would lose. 

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly...

There are countless moments in life, good ones and bad ones, ones we don't want to forget, and ones that we wish we could.
There are times you fall and catch yourself in time to prevent any serious damage, there are times when you find yourself on the ground crying, not from the pain as much as maybe some embarrassment (who are really proud of those moments?) and feelings of shame as though no one else has ever made a mistake which makes you that worthless, that bad, when in actuality you've just never seen it or forget it easily with others. Which is not a bad thing, you forget it the way they wish to, but you also forget that they likely forget it the way you wish to. At least that's how it goes with me.
When you think about it, I suppose it's good that way. Let me explain it this way, if a child gets hurt by falling off...say the couch...are they not more careful not to do that. If the child forgets, is it not more likely to happen again, the same way?

Then there are those moments when you're lying on the ground looking at your heart beside you, crushed, bleeding, it's beat slowing, and you're wondering why you gave it out in the first place. You go over in your mind how you got there, trying to figure out why it happened, and there's no way to compare it to the feelings of when you simply fall. You hurt, bleed, cry, may get upset with yourself, not understanding, angry that you did not see it, trying to figure out how to never let it happen again. But really you're just hoping that you can gather it up, piece it back together, hope it still works, that someday you will understand, and that someday you'll see it wasn't "all for nothing". Maybe even hoping to find that it wasn't because you were worthless, that you would someday be good enough.
It feels like you're the only one that fell that hard, and you're the only one that sees every scar on it, sees the mess it is. So of course it makes you feel ugly, worthless, "Who would want a heart like mine, scarred and ugly.". When you look at it under a magnifying glass, trying to undo the damage bit by bit with more added by the day, you see all the scar tissue from the cuts that need removed, and there, with it magnified, it really does look like the ugliest heart. You think to yourself, "Who would drop a beautiful heart. Those are rare. If I were beautiful, valuable, this wouldn't have happened.".

But the truth of it is, who of us can truly see the heart of another, let alone fully understand ours? Who of us can truly see all the scars? Who of us can never drop or at the least cut a heart? Who of us wear our hearts outside of our barriers for everyone to see the scars, instead of trying to hide the scars and convince ourselves we're like the ones around us we think are so perfect? Or some may try to look for all the flaws with others to convince themselves they're not so bad off, to feel like they have more value, that there's nothing wrong with them, it's everyone else.
Most of us try to hide it and undo the damage and protect it from the cuts. So really, there's only one person that can really see the heart, fully understand all of the damage done, and how best to undo it; to repair the heart. Yes, it beats again, it runs. Isn't it something when a heart can be crushed, put back together, and still beat? The world may argue that it's useless, you don't need it. But they're wrong,  you can't survive without it. Who better to help mend it than the one that truly sees it.
I suppose I needed to sort this out and come to this realization, having found myself there, on the ground, staring at my ugly heart, hating myself for being so difficult to put together, and hold together, for all of my flaws and feeling like such an ugly duckling when I long to be a beautiful swan like the ones around me.
At times like these, I have to keep in mind a man I very much admire, who had went through much more than just this, and held to his integrity, did not give up, and said should we merely accept what is good and not also what is bad?
We live in a harsh environment, that seeks to consume the heart, and fill it with lead to weigh it down and sink it; to stop it from beating. There's going to be pain, frustration, errors, things we truly wish we could change, times we truly want to forget, periods we truly hope to survive but wonder if we will, and moments we wonder why we're even here or alive. 
There's going to be broken hearts in this world, even crushed. That's what it does. As much as we try to reasonably avoid these or the bulk of them as best we can, as we should, they're going to happen to some degree. 
Whether we do it to ourselves, or whether things happen that we don't fully understand. It's so easy to forget that you can't see all the scars, that there are manifestations of that tissue from heavier scars, the closer you get, the more you see, but you can't just see it all. 
So you're heart gets broken, just like others, it gets cuts and bruises again and again, just like others, maybe even crushed at times, just like others. But it has to be mended, just like others. You have to take a moment, get up, and keep moving, not give up, even when you want to, right? The secret to living, to mending it, and breathing again, is to see the one who knows the heart the best. Is it not?

Perhaps you can relate to some of this, or not, they were more expressions of recent feelings, experiences, and reminders or resolves, with the assumption that they can be related to at least in part by some readers.

This is just an attempt to make sense of this noise in my head.

A Brief Check Up

I almost made it a whole year without posting!
Honestly, things have been so hectic this past year, that it's been difficult to find the time to post. That isn't including the need for motivation or inspiration. It's been interesting enough just trying to make sense of life and turns it takes, how you end up where you are.
This past year has been so full of enlightenment, entanglement, pain, hope, fear, love, change, reminiscence. I don't have much time at the moment, however, I did want to let my readers that I am still okay. I'm still fighting the fight, hoping and trying, like the rest of us right?
I find myself thinking about friends and changes that have happened -- including ones that have impacted my social circle -- and I find myself hoping that they are all okay and doing well, that as much as time and life changes, we only continue as friends. After enough nostalgia, I have to bring myself back to here and now, remembering that change is important, can be good. I will try to resume my blogging if my readers are still following.
I had gone on a trip this past year, which was very nice. Perhaps I will get the chance to write a post about that fairly soon on this blog or on Thoughts Of A Random Girl.

Keep up the fight!

Much To My Surprise...

Today, I thought to myself, "I could write whatever I want on my blog. If no one is reading it anymore, I could send my deep dark concern that I have kept to myself, to spare my friends worry or pain for any longer a duration than necessary, into the void.I could write the things out that have been weighing on my mind, all of them, and send them off."
Much to my (pleasant) surprise, I found two comments waiting for me to read! I suppose this blog has not quite out lived it's purpose after all! That is, if they're still reading. Again, my readers have put me to shame, or more, I have put myself to shame on account of my readers!
But that also means I can't write what I was going to. But if I had to choose, I would much rather it be this way. Thank you readers! Thank you for giving my blog purpose, and making it useful, even if it's just useful to me. I appreciate each and every one of my readers. Not a single one of you were excluded in that statement. So if you are reading this, I mean it!
It's up-building and encouraging to have the support of my readers (friends) reminding me which way is up when I am feeling down, and to enjoy it with me when I am up.

I should leave that story, but I think I will have to put it off for a couple more days. I don't quite have my head together enough for that today.

To catch my readers up, I will be spending a week in two foreign language fields at the end of this summer, so I have been brushing up on my Tagalog and Japanese ( 日本語 ). I am looking forward to it with great anticipation ( 素敵 - すてき )! I have a Japanese friend that has been conversing with and explaining things to me, it has helped tremendously.

There's another refreshing event that will be taking place in a couple weeks, I am also looking forward to with eager anticipation.

There have been some changes, similar, but not necessarily bad because I have the hope that my best friend will/is, again, ever so kindly, help/ing me through it all. I'm hoping I can make a few good changes happen this year. I'll keep you posted, and if you have already left never to return, it will help me keep things straight in my own head. Regardless of whether you read this or not, thank you deeply for everything ( 本当に有り難う - ほんとにありがと ).

Farewell

Well Readers, that is, if there are any left.

As of recent, I have tales of a continuing fight through tears and continual begging for help from my best friend against a treacherous heart that loves to torment, deceive, and condemn.
Land of the homeless, looking and hoping for a place to belong, knowing haunting loneliness is tailing, reminding that close families, close friends, and dreams have no place here for this one. Yet hoping and begging for hope. Knowing something will work out, because it would be too painful to think there be a reason for it not to.
And yet another, anticipated adventure, that is awaited with great eagerness.

But I think I will leave it at that. Honestly, I think that these blogs have outlived their usefulness and are no longer of consequence. Becoming nothing but online compilations of useless thoughts that should remain secrets of the mind, and a reminder of how a little shrew, can never fly like a bird.

I will leave one last item, a snippet from a piece of a story I wrote some time ago. About a person learning to let go, and live on.

I will leave it next week as I have 4 hours of driving tonight.

Update...

Hello Readers!

I know it has been some time since I have posted, for this I offer my sincere apologies. It has been hectic recently (training in a new position, moved, moving, will move again in a matter of months, along with the usual).  Honestly, I have also had a difficult time thinking of what to write about (I think a majority call it "writer's block). My previous blog was very concerning, so I would like to assure all of you that although more challenges have risen in a way, I feel better equipped to face them and am in a good disposition right now.
 I have finally uncovered that story I wrote an outline to ages ago called "Come What May", so hopefully soon, I will be post a taste of it on my Random Thoughts blog. I welcome feedback. Thanks once again for all of your support.