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Sorry friends. I've been in a bit of a rut recently.
This entry is going to be little bit of a downer.
But check out the random thoughts page for a piece to a old story I came up with.

 I don't know how to make ends meet. I can't meet everyone's expectations. I have forgotten what the glimpses of "home" feel like. I find the urge to hide away from everyone growing more and more, because that's just easier to do. Things are piling up and I can't breathe. I'm tired and I can't seem to find hope, reason, or faith.
Every time my friend pulls me out of this hole, I find myself right back in it, curled up in the corner, scared, crying. Hoping he won't find me because I'm sick of doing this to him again and again, yet wanting him to because rather than have him give up on me, more than anything, I just want to stop doing this. The sky is dark and I can't seem to find the silver lining anymore. I've covered it up only to lose my way.
I feel like the troops are coming, I know they are coming, soon to lay siege, and as much as I don't want it to be this way, i was or am too foolish to get out help others out, and now it's too late.

Why does it have to be this way?
Why can't I find the sunshine and keep my sights on it?
Why can't I find my faith, my confidence, my joy?
Why does reason have to be so easy to see but difficult to hold on to?
Why do I have to be such a fool, and so weak?
Why do I cage myself in loneliness when I have wonderful friends right at my fingertips?

These questions roll around in my head only to chase away my sunshine and leave me in the cold dark compress of my mind, hating what I am.

Seattle Venture

I know you are all just itching to hear how the trip to Seattle went for the special event, so I'm finally going to fill you in.

Chillaxin' with the Filipinos.

First of all, I didn't get to take pictures this time at the event, but the friends were great. I stayed with a dear family and they stuffed me like a spoiled little pig. It was great. Friends came over in the evening, and we had a blast. I had a wonderful privilege of sitting in on their Family night and I have never enjoyed it so much. It was a precious experience. The special event meetings were truly enlightening and possibly the best yet! But the treasures just seem to keep coming with great pieces of delight in each one, and encouragement to keep us on our toes given the times. Anyways, I won't spoil it for those who haven't heard it yet, but you definitely don't want to miss it! I look forward to hearing it again in English.

She came, she saw, she conquered...the food stuffs.

Now for the rest. I arrived at the airport at 1:50 am only to have a dear new friend from the Japanese speaking field pick me up to catch some zzz's at her place until later. Then I took the Link Rail to the airport, which was nice to  experience again and was a good reminder that I wasn't dreaming. The friends picked me up and then after I caught a little extra sleep, they took me to The Great Wall *of china ehem* of which I conquered!

It's like that fun little fishing game...but better.

Then the friends took me to a sushi bar (not alcoholic beverage kind of bar! The kind that has sushi on a belt.). We had a blast. I think the overall experience was what was so great! After sushi, we stopped by Uwajimaya's to pick up some items for the the event.

YUM!

 So the rest was covered in the opening paragraph. After the event, a friend picked me up for a little get-together for a visiting couple from Japan. That night we enjoyed food and conversation. I met some new people and then everyone got together to listen to the visitors' experiences and ask the visitors questions. It was great, there was just one problem. I'm not fluent in Japanese! But a sweet native speaker there voluntarily translated for me! My heart leaped with joy!

Icon Grill. Good food. Good prices. Nice atmosphere. A+

 I ended up staying the night, and the friend kept me up way too late (it was actually my fault)! The next day, she had to work for a few hours. I went to the Icon Grill and enjoyed a cup of coffee and ended up having lunch there. A surprisingly tasty healthy sandwich with a sweet pear salad. The atmosphere is an energetic, and yet relaxed atmosphere.

Monorail overhead.

A neat little alley with a quaint little Vespa.

After staying up too late again (I seemed to have a thing for making her suffer!). She went to work a little while the next day too. Meanwhile, I went to the Icon Grill again, to try out the macaroni. It had a very impressive presentation, and was very cheesy. I have to say, if you only like macaroni and cheese from kraft or velveeta (very simple), you may not like it at the Icon Grill. But if you’re open to different things and like upscale macaroni, you just might want to try it. I found it very tasty. After lunch, I set off to Seattle. I went to the Westlake Mall and checked out the shops. Walked around Pike's market a bit.

His arm holding the hammer moved!

After work, my friend took me around Seattle to some places I hadn't been yet. It was great! We walked by the Museum of Art. A place to visit next time when I get a City Pass (to visit Museum of Science (Sci-Fi), Museum of Art, Museum of Flight, and of course the Seattle Sea Life Center).

Beautimous A-girl

Shouldn't that girl be in a kimono?!

 We went down this peaceful looking area, with a bunch of steps leading to the "ocean front". It had cherry blossom trees (one of the wonderful sights of Seattle) and water fountains. So of course, we snapped a couple pictures.

My pony was intimidated by the other ponies.

We went by some neat little shops...and some pretty strange ones. One of the shops had strange things that reminded me of a place my siblings and I used to go to called the Fantastic Museum...I wonder if it's still around. Then we went to this indoor "carnival" place. It was like a carnival and arcade combined. Of course, we had to take a ride on the carousel. Although, my pony seemed to be having a bad hair day...must not have gotten his coffee yet...poor guy. To be honest, that's why I picked him. To give him a boost of confidence. I know what it's like when you haven't had your coffee yet, it's tragic. My friend tried to take me to get some fresh donuts down at the Pike's Market (they make them right in front of you). But they already sold out.

Maserati Quattroporte

As we were walking Seattle we spotted a beautiful Maserati (Quattroporte I think), so we had to snap a pick. I mean, it is a rare sight for Frigid Arctic dwellers like me! The lady seemed a little nervous though, I guess she's not used to tourists being car enthusiasts, hehheh.

So many DDR machines *tear*

Then after much groveling, my friend agreed to go Gameworks and Cheesecake Factory with me...in that order of course. She was so accommodating the whole trip, as all the friends were. I was so spoiled! So she snapped a picture of me playing DDR (I was so off that day!), and we left no evidence that we went to Cheesecake Factory afterwards *shifty eyes*.

Enjoying a cup of coffee next to a fire...OUTSIDE!

Then she took me by a neat little discount book store, we browsed the Japanese section. I found a couple authentic mangas (of course in Japanese) for a very affordable price. I was able to identify one of them and knew it was safe, and browsed the other...it looked safe. They're good to get a start in reading Japanese (Hiragana, etc.). I also found something even better, a neat little kiddie pad to learn Katakana. It looks very effective.
Then we went by this cool shop and had a cup of coffee by a fire...outside! It was great!
Then another friend came and we had a sleepover!

Coffee art...tis a beautiful thing.

The next day I joined some volunteer work with the Japanese field while A-girl (see picture above) went to work. Then walked around Seattle a little more with Emmy-girl (gotta love nicknames), then went back to engage in more volunteer work, then A-girl dropped me off at the airport after their meeting.

Mmm...fresh donuts.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I went down to the Pike's Market while A-girl was at work and after a fight scene similar to what I imagine the Stock Market to be like, I acquired those donuts (I was kidding about the whole fight thing...come on guys! Really!) They were indeed delicious. I also went to this awesome place called the Essential Bakery, the guy making the coffee had some mad art skills. The camera really didn't do it justice. By the way, in case any of you are wondering, yes, the picture to the left is what happens when I don't straighten my hair...on a good day.

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to post something tomorrow on a Random Girl's Thoughts about a mission that I just completed tonight! Don't forget to head over there.
Take Cafe readers! (I wonder if anyone remembers that one?)

Brief Update

Hello friends!

I think I am going to be moving in with my dad over the next month. I have put a lot of thought and consideration into three congregations, and the move out to my dad's seem like the best choice right now. I am sad to leave the Filipino friends but look forward to my next adventure and intend on working hard towards it. I understand now, I've been fighting on the front lines for two years now, though it's nothing special, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back to allow your health bar to build back up when it's depleted as long as you don't stop paddling right? That's what I'm hoping.
I realized I allowed myself to be spread too thin, I was trying to serve two masters (working full-time for too long a period, preparing for talks, service (both in two languages), trying to get my hours in, and trying to take care of my household responsibilities. I have learned from the experience and do not regret it.
While in english, I will resume my Japanese studies (try to get a jump start in the foreign language field) and look for an opportunity down the road to use it in my service. That's about it for now, gotta a lot to do before leaving for Seattle on Monday including service tomorrow! Yay!

P.S. Hope everyone is doing well.

Update: Still Fighting

Update

Two weeks ago as I was preparing to start a busy week of volunteer work, something else happened. For some reason, I wasn't really surprised and couldn't help but laugh. As I finished my shopping (bought fruits and veggies from wholesale store/warehouse), I went to my car to put the groceries in the trunk. It was a somewhat warm day, 20 degrees. Guess what happened, can you guess? 

With no effort, as I turned the key, it broke off in the trunk of my car. Not the spare, but the factory key, with the chip so I couldn't start the car without it. I was able to get the trunk open and crawl through the back seats to the front and open my car (bringing to mind the realization that I am definitely out of shape and need to hit the gym). I then spent about an hour chillin' (literally) in my car (because I couldn't start it) waiting for a tow truck. So no work and I had to pay for a tow and buy a new key. You see, when I checked a couple years ago into getting an additional key with a chip in it, I found out it would cost me $175-$275 and a couple weeks to order it from the factory. I had to ride with the tow guy was a nice guy, he offered me a job and almost invited me out for drinks (which was what I was afraid of) but I told him that I couldn't work full-time and bars were not my scene, they make it easy to get into trouble. He agreed. 

Now here are a few of the positives (I considered to be): 

1. I didn't end up on the milk carton. 

2. The guy that gave me a tow was the owner of the company and he made an adjustment to the schedule to pick me up earlier (it was going to be about 2 hours until I told him that I couldn't start my car to stay warm) and was very nice.  

3. The key turned out to be in stock at the dealerships and it was a much less than expected. So although when you are not working, $120 (included towing) unexpected expense is quite a bit, it's much less than I thought, and that makes it much better. 

4. I had spent an hour in the car wrapped up in a blanket 10 degree weather to reprogram the chip, then I found that my car still wouldn't start because the battery was dead. But then a very kind acquaintance quickly came to my aid (to my surprise) and gave a jump start (the positive).

Next week (this week) I was going to go out in the field and made plans. Then became deathly ill. I spent about four days with a severe sinus/ear infection in addition to some kind of nightmarish flu. For three days I had random spurts of sharp pains every 15 mins or so, it was worse when I tried to walk around. One of the nights, I woke up every half hour (by the time I got back to sleep) in a cold sweat (freezing but burning up) and making my way to the bathroom in nauseous pain. That night, I couldn't laugh, I just cried. I wondered if it were too late, if I had already drowned, I wondered if I would ever be able to become a decent full-time volunteer and fulfill my responsibilities. I felt discouraged and tired of the pain and just wanted to be able to go to the doctor (can't afford it and it wasn't bad enough that I thought my life was in danger). I was stuck in a rut I couldn't get out of.

But guess what happened the next day (the positives), my friend who was ever so graciously (and fearlessly) taking care of me showed up after work with FLOWERS, and a ton of sickie stuff (dayquil, bayer, soup, etc.) from the store for me. 
When I was younger, sometimes my father would surprise me with flowers. Last year he gave me a little white rose from a wedding he went to, I can't explain why it brought back that warm excited feeling from when I was a little girl and he had brought home a bouquet. The fact that he brought the flower all the way back, and thought to give it to me. Although this is something I probably should not be revealing to my readers (that I am a hopeless sap at heart), I couldn't help but want to share this warm memory of my childhood.
I have never had a friend take care of me like she did! I usually had to make my way on my own, I knew that's what I should expect, but it's not fun when it's painful to walk and you gotta do it anyways. Her kindness brought tears to my eyes! 
So although I am still recovering (sinus and ear infection hasn't quite subsided completely yet) I am feeling much better and very glad that I am still alive. The random sharp pains have stopped today. A dear volunteer strongly advised that I don't push myself too hard and just allow myself to recover, so I am staying indoors as much as possible and allowing myself to recover and hope to be fully recovered by Monday and will just focus on doing my best. 

Reflection

I was doing some reading and came across some wise counsel (great book when you're going through a hard time). It was beautifully said, "Shall we accept merely what is good from the true God and not accept also what is bad?" The principle is beautiful and was just what I needed to reflect on. Should I only praise my best friend and have faith in him when I am receiving blessings and not also when facing challenges or tests of my integrity? Should I only do what I should when it is convenient for me and not also when it is difficult? As long as it is a fight to stay in the fight, I can be sure that my enemy has not conquered me and I have not drowned myself. I have the precious privilege of bringing praise to his (my friend's) name by means of my choices, actions, and I truly hope that I do. I know that I will always have things to improve, and I may not be a very good servant, but I hope that I will always strive to give him my best! I can also draw comfort from knowing that he does not expect more than that from me, as well as that he is ever so loving and patient with me. So even though I don't do as well as I would like, by his merciful love, he doesn't give up on me. I just hope that I overcome this rut soon with his help and remain faithful to him forever. I don't want to be like this, I want to do better.

Resolve

So I'm going to try to continue to focus on doing what I can, when I can, and finding a way around/over the obstacles that I cannot change. Or as it was once said, "Give me the strength to change the things I can, and accept the things I can not change." I hope I can remember this. Although I may always have these kind of struggles, against discouragement and faith, I truly believe and hope that my friend has the power to make change me to a great degree and that my mentality can become like his son's. We can't give up! We have to keep moving forward! 

Apologies

So I will try to keep my readers posted. I am truly sorry that these entries have been so negative. I have not expressed my appreciation for the many friends that have offered kind, loving words of encouragement. They have truly been of insurmountable help! This includes my readers that have kindly offered encouragement when noticing I was feeling down, or even thought about me and wished to help me in some way. Although I cannot tell all of the friends I would like to in person, I will say it now in words that do no justice to the feeling. Thank you friends!

Week 1: Planning, Preparing, and Catch Up Work...

Add a little lazy in there and you have my first week since my job has ended. I'll catch you up in a little more detail.

Transition
This week has been mostly consistent of running errands, simplifying, major reorganization, and sleeping in! I had a lot of things that had suffered when I was working full time and trying to fill-time volunteer, along with preparing for meetings in two languages, field work in two languages, and even presentations in two languages (with quite a bit of help from a wonderful couple when it came to the translation part).
On a side note, in my last presentation (during the last week of work) I tried using one of the wonderful suggestions from my recent schooling (the unit on the NWT and why it's so great). I shared the information using my R/B and used the letter reference from my R/B. It was a bit different from normal talks, but I got positive feedback, I hope it was useful.

First Week
Now, since I was out of work, I found this a chance to take a little time first and get things back in order...and be a lazy...just a little. Catching up on some much needed sleep has an impressive impact (reminds me of some wise counsel I read in a book once about a handful of rest being better than a double handful of work...). Starting tomorrow though, the real work begins. The study today was wonderful and very encouraging, thinking about how no matter what background or deeply entrenched teachings or difficult challenges we may be fighting against, if we truly rely on our best friend and look to him, we are sure to conquer them by means of the strength he gives us. It gives me renewed hope!

That's all for now, I have to get to studying and preparing for a big 5+ weeks of 6 long field days a week! I'm sure that with my best friend’s help, I'm not sure how everything will work out, but now I get to see what he's going to do for me. By no means because I am deserving, but because he promises to and loves us that much!
I will try to keep you all posted!

Reflection

I decided to list off the crazy things that have happened in the last two years (about) since I've decided to take on a couple of additional privileges (full-time volunteer work and foreign language field). This may seem like too much information but I haven't really told anyone all that's happened, not even family, so I'm going to lay it all out here because it'll help put it into perspective and I don't think there are really many readers so...

Challenges

-Knee injury (few months to full recovery)
-Death of a loved one (uncle)
-Death of another loved one (grandfather)
-Loved one who lost three loved ones in the last five years now has Dementia (grandmother)
-Two loved ones cut ties (my fault)
-Missed a chance to attend a language class (never attended a language class-told after taken place)
-loved one tiring out in the fight
-Bronchitis (again)
-Shoulder injury
-Foot injury (6-months and counting for recovery)
-Re-injured shoulder
-Missed another language class (told two weeks before-insufficient time to move to another state)
-Loved one (Grandmother w/Dementia) has full Alzheimer
-Bronchitis...again
-Falling on the ice (first time in years)
-Severe social tension-secular (inter-office politics-singled out)
-Severe social tension-personal (shunned/ridiculed and got on influential person's bad side)
-Start school off with Bronchitis and a cold
-Informed that must work full-time to continue employment (given 1 1/2 days to decide)
-Missed opportunity for another language class
-Fell(wooden stairs) injured bad knee (I think my body didn't like that I had recently started working out again)
-Bronchial spasms (two months and counting)

Discouragement
Recently, these things came to be deeply discouraging to me, I lost sight, I lost focus. It became harder and harder to deal with these situations with seemingly less and less support.
I reached many points when I'd considered giving up. But as I've recently learned, that's when H/S keeps you going, when you can't see any reason to (and the help of a few long-time ever so lovingly patient friends and family).

It's sadly amazing how one person's loudly inconsiderate comment (followed up by their supporting member) criticizing you can shatter the whole enjoyment of an evening that was previously up-building and helping you to hang in there.
I finally reached a point when I couldn't let it go and find anything positive about that person, and I didn't like that at all, I felt terrible for it.

"Learned Helplessness"
The "learned helplessness" had finally overpowered me again, I thought it hopeless. I wanted so much to do what was pleasing to my best friend, and it finally felt unachievable. I felt that my heart was bad, obstinate. That it wouldn't change no matter how much I asked for help, no matter how much I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried to become like the more mature volunteers I admired...it just couldn't happen.
I felt like a lazy, spoiled, faithless, self-centered, person that wouldn't change. I hated that feeling.

I kept thinking of Hannah and how much I wanted to be like her and leave it in my best friend’s hands, I cried because as much as I wanted to, I felt hopeless. I read the daily text for the day (a few days ago) on not allowing our standards to lower by thinking we can handle poor association. I really tried to reach out for more up-building associates, but the plans kept falling through. "It was my fault wasn't it?" I fell apart again. I got angry with myself so many times, "stop crying!", but I couldn't.

The night before, I felt like my letters would not even reach his ears because my heart was bad, but I kept sending them anyway, pouring my heart out:
How much I wanted to do what was pleasing to him, but seemed to be nothing but bad. Expressing how I truly thought that he used the weak things to demonstrate his power, and thought, my being such a weak being.
I'd thought, hoped, that if he used the weak things of the world to demonstrate the greatness of his power, that he would use a weak person like me to show his strength, if I begged him. I wanted so much to do what is pleasing to him.
I'm out of a job, what else should I do but to do more in my volunteer work, and lean on him even more now? But I must've misunderstood these as well as so many other things (so I've been told) as of recent.
I didn't want to stop serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work. I just wanted to carry out his will in this by means of his strength, not my own, and to have joy in spite of any hardships I encountered.

The Decision
After doing research in the Library on discouragement, I realized, this was the area I was overlooking in seeking my best friend's help when I needed it most. It helped me readjust my sights.

I decided that I am not going to give up serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work, not as long as I have my best friend’s support (which I hope I still do). I know there are some that feel I should go back to English.
But there is something that doesn't feel right about it, I haven't gone through anything extraordinary. It feels like I would be giving in to my enemies wishes just when my circumstances are about to change, like my decision to leave when my letters are being answered would affect my attitude.
It's been a fight to remain in this work, to grow. But it's been like this since around 9 years old. Even more so now. Good things don't come easy, because there's always someone that doesn't want you to experience them.
But I have found the fight to be worth every cut, bruise, and scrape!
Certain friends, family (father), and others that have known me from my youth up have told me how happy, and proud they are and that I'm doing a good job.
I can not possibly express how this has truly encouraged me. I have enough encouragement and support to keep me going.

Looking Ahead
Soon I will be out of work and taking a month to focus strictly on my volunteer work and study. This is when the load of preparing for meetings in another language, preparing presentations in another language, preparing for the field in another language, in addition to my regular needs shouldn't feel so overwhelming.
I know I am struggling to keep my head above water right now, but I'm working full time, of course it's harder to stay strong, I'm spread so thin that I just cannot get everything done that needs done. I am serving two masters and am definitely hating one, the one holding me back! But it will soon change and I eagerly look forward to that. I eagerly look forward to seeing what my best friend is going to do for me, not because I deserve it, but because he is that loving.

I am sure that I will then feel much stronger. I don't consider serving in any of these positions of privilege with the idea that I'm strong enough to handle it. I know I'm not, it's by means of My best friend’s strength that I make it through or even that I'm the person I am today. I don't just jump into them thoughtlessly, I put much careful consideration into decisions like these because I take them very seriously.

But I truly hope I can say that when I am weak, I am strong, because that is when my best friend will show his strength through weak ones like me. I truly hope I will rely on him (and get the hang of this someday) for strength and give him a reply for the one taunting him. I truly hope that he will sustain me in the tough times. I understand now that there are "thorns" that won't be removed, but hope to gain the strength to endure them no matter where I serve. I fully expect that my enemy will continue looking for opportunity to hit my softest spots as hard as he can, but if it is for the sake of bringing praise to my best friend’s name, and it means that I am on the front line to fight for what I believe in, then I hope to continue to face these situations, but with endurance.

No Regrets-His Strength
I truly believe that even if you have to transfer back to English after trying a foreign language field, it is not something I regret trying because I have a lot I can learn from it. Whichever language I try. If I try and give it my best, I hope to be happy with that and what I've gained in experience.
But it doesn't feel like this is the time.

I don't know if I'm strong enough for any big move I consider. When I think in regards to my own strength, I know I'm not, and I won't move. But I do not want to let fear stop me from giving my best in all that I can, and from making choices in increasing service in the work. I also hope that what he promises is true and that I rely on him for help, but he can't catch me if I don't jump.

Incomparable Blessings (Far Outweigh The Challenges)

Here are just a few of the incomparable blessings I've experienced continually while reaching out to do more in my service, and why I do not want to stop.

-Foreign language field
-Full-time volunteer work
-Volunteer schooling and the irreplaceable knowledge, encouragement, hospitality (friends feeding us and our instructors tending to us, building us up), etc.
-Many letters answered in awe inspiring (or faith strengthening) ways
-International Convention
-Meeting the many at the convention
-Meeting a number of fellow volunteers visiting from other countries
-Every one of the countless loving smiles from those volunteers
-The patience of the congregation I am serving in
-The efforts of the those in the congregation
-Expanding my associates network from full-time school and experience their great capacity of loving kindness, patience, and compassion
-The many warm, up-building conversations and association I've experienced from the mga kapatid
-Attending the special event in Seattle (thus forcing me to take time to relax a little or take a vacation)
-Meeting fellow volunteers and getting to know them from the events
-Hearing the experiences from full-time volunteers (school), and other volunteers (Special events)
-Attending the memorial in Japanese field
-Working in the field in the Japanese territory
-Drawing closer and making friends in the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement and support from various friends in the English congregations (long-time friends, family, new friends, etc.)
-Receiving encouragement and support from the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement from fellow volunteers in the Filipino field
-Getting to know the Special volunteers and a wonderful volunteer now all serving in Oregon
-Widening out: Hearing heart warming experiences of wonderful fellow volunteers and their endurance
-Last but certainly not least (rather the greatest), the greatest joy has been experiencing my first progressive student and watching her grow from a tiny nut to a tree, and eagerly anticipating with hope to watch her become a sequoia tree (or a fellow locust shall I say?) by means of my best friend and in her growing love.

Conclusion

I know this is a lot in one posting, and I really didn't intend to write this much (especially seems how I just recently wrote part 4 (finale in honor of a friend) to a story and this post is probably too soon), I'm also sure it doesn't make much sense. But these were just some passing thoughts.

Dream - Part 4

As she reached the trees at the edge of the field, she stopped for a moment. A long gust of wind swept past her as she turned around one last time. Seeing that he was already gone, she knew she didn't have to hold it in anymore...she couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears ran from her eyes and across her cheeks as she said, "Goodbye my sweet Dreamer." Then she turned around to continue on, looking up only to find him standing there in front of her. All she could do was stand there in shock. Steadying his breathing after running around the side of the field to reach her in time, "I've finally caught you." he said with a smile.

"I don't know who this person is..." pausing for a moment as he looked to the side in thought, "but if this person really cares about us, loves us, would they really want to see us like this, especially if they could do something about it? How long has it been? My feelings for you won't change, so wouldn't they have let me go and freed you to fly by now? Haven't they moved on? If that is the case, why should three people be miserable for the sake of one's unattainable wishes? You opened my eyes and taught me to fly. Who better to fly with than the one that can lift you up?"
Having recollected herself by now, she replied, "If we leave the boundaries of this dream, we can't expect it to be easy. I won't stay that little blue bird you see me as now. Surely you'd tire of the wind. You'd inevitably see my rough edges and tattered wings."
Looking at her with the answer already in his eyes, "Your rough edges and tattered wings are what enhance your beauty. Don't you see? With rough edges and tattered wings, it's much more difficult to stay in the air, and yet you still fly. A rare sight in the world today. The way I see it, we have a fight with or without each other. If the calm between the storms spent with each other are exceedingly more joyful than being without, how could I want you to leave my dreams? My dream isn't to stay here in this field, it's to fly in beautiful blue skies with you...and to grow stronger from fighting the storms together. If there's truly something worth fighting for, wouldn't you fight for it? Your my beautiful little blue bird not because I believe your a finished painting, but because of all the little things about you. You're the last person on your mind, you see things for more than they seem, you reach for the sky, you love to fly, so much that you fight to fly even with broken wings, and you've locked my heart up...you're the only one with the key to my heart. So won't you please free me?"
More than ever, she wanted to hold herself together now, but she couldn't keep the ocean in. The tears burst out as she managed to respond, "How am I supposed to leave you now? My feet are telling me to run, but my heart won't let me. You've taken all of my strength away from me."

"Then don't." he said, "I won't let you go...I won't let you leave. I want you to share everything with me, your laughs, your smiles, your wings, your light, your warmth, your tears, your sadness, your hope...we'll use them to fuel our flight. So what do you say?"
Her tears began to dry as he awaited her response.
She stood there looking off in deep contemplation until she switched her sight back to him, finding him standing there with a determined gaze.
She let out a sweet chuckle as she said with a smile "You're really not going to let me leave are you...
As she paused a moment, he simply stood there with the answer already written across his face, then said with a smile"Very well my sweet Dreamer, you did catch me. So let's fly..."

School Over...

We finished our two week course and had a little get together to end it on a positive note. I cannot describe the experience. It's precious and irreplaceable, one of many indescribably wonderful gifts.

I came there with my head barely above water, perhaps even bobbing a little. I didn't know if I could make it, or if it were already too late. But alas, I've been revived enough to keep going. More than that, I learned how to really swim the distance. It turns out, it wasn't the distance or the storm taking me under, it was the way I was swimming, I was doing it wrong. I was adding extra weights that were pulling me under. But now I've learned keys to strong swimming and endurance. The amount of effort put into making the class so beneficial and contributing to the overall experience were too great to mention specifics (too many individuals involved) but it reminded me of a few of the many beautiful aspects of this fight. Now I've got to show my appreciation for everything to the best of my ability by applying, reviewing, reapplying, and helping others along the way (as best I can). I have so much to work on, but I know I'm far from alone. I hope to strive to do my best and leave the rest in my friend's hands. He knows what he's doing, and is more than just capable. I don't think there's much else I can say.

Just keep swimming.