Add a little lazy in there and you have my first week since my job has ended. I'll catch you up in a little more detail.
Transition
This week has been mostly consistent of running errands, simplifying, major reorganization, and sleeping in! I had a lot of things that had suffered when I was working full time and trying to fill-time volunteer, along with preparing for meetings in two languages, field work in two languages, and even presentations in two languages (with quite a bit of help from a wonderful couple when it came to the translation part).
On a side note, in my last presentation (during the last week of work) I tried using one of the wonderful suggestions from my recent schooling (the unit on the NWT and why it's so great). I shared the information using my R/B and used the letter reference from my R/B. It was a bit different from normal talks, but I got positive feedback, I hope it was useful.
First Week
Now, since I was out of work, I found this a chance to take a little time first and get things back in order...and be a lazy...just a little. Catching up on some much needed sleep has an impressive impact (reminds me of some wise counsel I read in a book once about a handful of rest being better than a double handful of work...). Starting tomorrow though, the real work begins. The study today was wonderful and very encouraging, thinking about how no matter what background or deeply entrenched teachings or difficult challenges we may be fighting against, if we truly rely on our best friend and look to him, we are sure to conquer them by means of the strength he gives us. It gives me renewed hope!
That's all for now, I have to get to studying and preparing for a big 5+ weeks of 6 long field days a week! I'm sure that with my best friend’s help, I'm not sure how everything will work out, but now I get to see what he's going to do for me. By no means because I am deserving, but because he promises to and loves us that much!
I will try to keep you all posted!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reflection
I decided to list off the crazy things that have happened in the last two years (about) since I've decided to take on a couple of additional privileges (full-time volunteer work and foreign language field). This may seem like too much information but I haven't really told anyone all that's happened, not even family, so I'm going to lay it all out here because it'll help put it into perspective and I don't think there are really many readers so...
Challenges
-Knee injury (few months to full recovery)
-Death of a loved one (uncle)
-Death of another loved one (grandfather)
-Loved one who lost three loved ones in the last five years now has Dementia (grandmother)
-Two loved ones cut ties (my fault)
-Missed a chance to attend a language class (never attended a language class-told after taken place)
-loved one tiring out in the fight
-Bronchitis (again)
-Shoulder injury
-Foot injury (6-months and counting for recovery)
-Re-injured shoulder
-Missed another language class (told two weeks before-insufficient time to move to another state)
-Loved one (Grandmother w/Dementia) has full Alzheimer
-Bronchitis...again
-Falling on the ice (first time in years)
-Severe social tension-secular (inter-office politics-singled out)
-Severe social tension-personal (shunned/ridiculed and got on influential person's bad side)
-Start school off with Bronchitis and a cold
-Informed that must work full-time to continue employment (given 1 1/2 days to decide)
-Missed opportunity for another language class
-Fell(wooden stairs) injured bad knee (I think my body didn't like that I had recently started working out again)
-Bronchial spasms (two months and counting)
Discouragement
Recently, these things came to be deeply discouraging to me, I lost sight, I lost focus. It became harder and harder to deal with these situations with seemingly less and less support.
I reached many points when I'd considered giving up. But as I've recently learned, that's when H/S keeps you going, when you can't see any reason to (and the help of a few long-time ever so lovingly patient friends and family).
It's sadly amazing how one person's loudly inconsiderate comment (followed up by their supporting member) criticizing you can shatter the whole enjoyment of an evening that was previously up-building and helping you to hang in there.
I finally reached a point when I couldn't let it go and find anything positive about that person, and I didn't like that at all, I felt terrible for it.
"Learned Helplessness"
The "learned helplessness" had finally overpowered me again, I thought it hopeless. I wanted so much to do what was pleasing to my best friend, and it finally felt unachievable. I felt that my heart was bad, obstinate. That it wouldn't change no matter how much I asked for help, no matter how much I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried to become like the more mature volunteers I admired...it just couldn't happen.
I felt like a lazy, spoiled, faithless, self-centered, person that wouldn't change. I hated that feeling.
I kept thinking of Hannah and how much I wanted to be like her and leave it in my best friend’s hands, I cried because as much as I wanted to, I felt hopeless. I read the daily text for the day (a few days ago) on not allowing our standards to lower by thinking we can handle poor association. I really tried to reach out for more up-building associates, but the plans kept falling through. "It was my fault wasn't it?" I fell apart again. I got angry with myself so many times, "stop crying!", but I couldn't.
The night before, I felt like my letters would not even reach his ears because my heart was bad, but I kept sending them anyway, pouring my heart out:
How much I wanted to do what was pleasing to him, but seemed to be nothing but bad. Expressing how I truly thought that he used the weak things to demonstrate his power, and thought, my being such a weak being.
I'd thought, hoped, that if he used the weak things of the world to demonstrate the greatness of his power, that he would use a weak person like me to show his strength, if I begged him. I wanted so much to do what is pleasing to him.
I'm out of a job, what else should I do but to do more in my volunteer work, and lean on him even more now? But I must've misunderstood these as well as so many other things (so I've been told) as of recent.
I didn't want to stop serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work. I just wanted to carry out his will in this by means of his strength, not my own, and to have joy in spite of any hardships I encountered.
The Decision
After doing research in the Library on discouragement, I realized, this was the area I was overlooking in seeking my best friend's help when I needed it most. It helped me readjust my sights.
I decided that I am not going to give up serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work, not as long as I have my best friend’s support (which I hope I still do). I know there are some that feel I should go back to English.
But there is something that doesn't feel right about it, I haven't gone through anything extraordinary. It feels like I would be giving in to my enemies wishes just when my circumstances are about to change, like my decision to leave when my letters are being answered would affect my attitude.
It's been a fight to remain in this work, to grow. But it's been like this since around 9 years old. Even more so now. Good things don't come easy, because there's always someone that doesn't want you to experience them.
But I have found the fight to be worth every cut, bruise, and scrape!
Certain friends, family (father), and others that have known me from my youth up have told me how happy, and proud they are and that I'm doing a good job.
I can not possibly express how this has truly encouraged me. I have enough encouragement and support to keep me going.
Looking Ahead
Soon I will be out of work and taking a month to focus strictly on my volunteer work and study. This is when the load of preparing for meetings in another language, preparing presentations in another language, preparing for the field in another language, in addition to my regular needs shouldn't feel so overwhelming.
I know I am struggling to keep my head above water right now, but I'm working full time, of course it's harder to stay strong, I'm spread so thin that I just cannot get everything done that needs done. I am serving two masters and am definitely hating one, the one holding me back! But it will soon change and I eagerly look forward to that. I eagerly look forward to seeing what my best friend is going to do for me, not because I deserve it, but because he is that loving.
I am sure that I will then feel much stronger. I don't consider serving in any of these positions of privilege with the idea that I'm strong enough to handle it. I know I'm not, it's by means of My best friend’s strength that I make it through or even that I'm the person I am today. I don't just jump into them thoughtlessly, I put much careful consideration into decisions like these because I take them very seriously.
But I truly hope I can say that when I am weak, I am strong, because that is when my best friend will show his strength through weak ones like me. I truly hope I will rely on him (and get the hang of this someday) for strength and give him a reply for the one taunting him. I truly hope that he will sustain me in the tough times. I understand now that there are "thorns" that won't be removed, but hope to gain the strength to endure them no matter where I serve. I fully expect that my enemy will continue looking for opportunity to hit my softest spots as hard as he can, but if it is for the sake of bringing praise to my best friend’s name, and it means that I am on the front line to fight for what I believe in, then I hope to continue to face these situations, but with endurance.
No Regrets-His Strength
I truly believe that even if you have to transfer back to English after trying a foreign language field, it is not something I regret trying because I have a lot I can learn from it. Whichever language I try. If I try and give it my best, I hope to be happy with that and what I've gained in experience.
But it doesn't feel like this is the time.
I don't know if I'm strong enough for any big move I consider. When I think in regards to my own strength, I know I'm not, and I won't move. But I do not want to let fear stop me from giving my best in all that I can, and from making choices in increasing service in the work. I also hope that what he promises is true and that I rely on him for help, but he can't catch me if I don't jump.
Incomparable Blessings (Far Outweigh The Challenges)
Here are just a few of the incomparable blessings I've experienced continually while reaching out to do more in my service, and why I do not want to stop.
-Foreign language field
-Full-time volunteer work
-Volunteer schooling and the irreplaceable knowledge, encouragement, hospitality (friends feeding us and our instructors tending to us, building us up), etc.
-Many letters answered in awe inspiring (or faith strengthening) ways
-International Convention
-Meeting the many at the convention
-Meeting a number of fellow volunteers visiting from other countries
-Every one of the countless loving smiles from those volunteers
-The patience of the congregation I am serving in
-The efforts of the those in the congregation
-Expanding my associates network from full-time school and experience their great capacity of loving kindness, patience, and compassion
-The many warm, up-building conversations and association I've experienced from the mga kapatid
-Attending the special event in Seattle (thus forcing me to take time to relax a little or take a vacation)
-Meeting fellow volunteers and getting to know them from the events
-Hearing the experiences from full-time volunteers (school), and other volunteers (Special events)
-Attending the memorial in Japanese field
-Working in the field in the Japanese territory
-Drawing closer and making friends in the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement and support from various friends in the English congregations (long-time friends, family, new friends, etc.)
-Receiving encouragement and support from the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement from fellow volunteers in the Filipino field
-Getting to know the Special volunteers and a wonderful volunteer now all serving in Oregon
-Widening out: Hearing heart warming experiences of wonderful fellow volunteers and their endurance
-Last but certainly not least (rather the greatest), the greatest joy has been experiencing my first progressive student and watching her grow from a tiny nut to a tree, and eagerly anticipating with hope to watch her become a sequoia tree (or a fellow locust shall I say?) by means of my best friend and in her growing love.
Conclusion
Challenges
-Knee injury (few months to full recovery)
-Death of a loved one (uncle)
-Death of another loved one (grandfather)
-Loved one who lost three loved ones in the last five years now has Dementia (grandmother)
-Two loved ones cut ties (my fault)
-Missed a chance to attend a language class (never attended a language class-told after taken place)
-loved one tiring out in the fight
-Bronchitis (again)
-Shoulder injury
-Foot injury (6-months and counting for recovery)
-Re-injured shoulder
-Missed another language class (told two weeks before-insufficient time to move to another state)
-Loved one (Grandmother w/Dementia) has full Alzheimer
-Bronchitis...again
-Falling on the ice (first time in years)
-Severe social tension-secular (inter-office politics-singled out)
-Severe social tension-personal (shunned/ridiculed and got on influential person's bad side)
-Start school off with Bronchitis and a cold
-Informed that must work full-time to continue employment (given 1 1/2 days to decide)
-Missed opportunity for another language class
-Fell(wooden stairs) injured bad knee (I think my body didn't like that I had recently started working out again)
-Bronchial spasms (two months and counting)
Discouragement
Recently, these things came to be deeply discouraging to me, I lost sight, I lost focus. It became harder and harder to deal with these situations with seemingly less and less support.
I reached many points when I'd considered giving up. But as I've recently learned, that's when H/S keeps you going, when you can't see any reason to (and the help of a few long-time ever so lovingly patient friends and family).
It's sadly amazing how one person's loudly inconsiderate comment (followed up by their supporting member) criticizing you can shatter the whole enjoyment of an evening that was previously up-building and helping you to hang in there.
I finally reached a point when I couldn't let it go and find anything positive about that person, and I didn't like that at all, I felt terrible for it.
"Learned Helplessness"
The "learned helplessness" had finally overpowered me again, I thought it hopeless. I wanted so much to do what was pleasing to my best friend, and it finally felt unachievable. I felt that my heart was bad, obstinate. That it wouldn't change no matter how much I asked for help, no matter how much I wanted it to, no matter how hard I tried to become like the more mature volunteers I admired...it just couldn't happen.
I felt like a lazy, spoiled, faithless, self-centered, person that wouldn't change. I hated that feeling.
I kept thinking of Hannah and how much I wanted to be like her and leave it in my best friend’s hands, I cried because as much as I wanted to, I felt hopeless. I read the daily text for the day (a few days ago) on not allowing our standards to lower by thinking we can handle poor association. I really tried to reach out for more up-building associates, but the plans kept falling through. "It was my fault wasn't it?" I fell apart again. I got angry with myself so many times, "stop crying!", but I couldn't.
The night before, I felt like my letters would not even reach his ears because my heart was bad, but I kept sending them anyway, pouring my heart out:
How much I wanted to do what was pleasing to him, but seemed to be nothing but bad. Expressing how I truly thought that he used the weak things to demonstrate his power, and thought, my being such a weak being.
I'd thought, hoped, that if he used the weak things of the world to demonstrate the greatness of his power, that he would use a weak person like me to show his strength, if I begged him. I wanted so much to do what is pleasing to him.
I'm out of a job, what else should I do but to do more in my volunteer work, and lean on him even more now? But I must've misunderstood these as well as so many other things (so I've been told) as of recent.
I didn't want to stop serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work. I just wanted to carry out his will in this by means of his strength, not my own, and to have joy in spite of any hardships I encountered.
The Decision
After doing research in the Library on discouragement, I realized, this was the area I was overlooking in seeking my best friend's help when I needed it most. It helped me readjust my sights.
I decided that I am not going to give up serving in the foreign language field or full-time volunteer work, not as long as I have my best friend’s support (which I hope I still do). I know there are some that feel I should go back to English.
But there is something that doesn't feel right about it, I haven't gone through anything extraordinary. It feels like I would be giving in to my enemies wishes just when my circumstances are about to change, like my decision to leave when my letters are being answered would affect my attitude.
It's been a fight to remain in this work, to grow. But it's been like this since around 9 years old. Even more so now. Good things don't come easy, because there's always someone that doesn't want you to experience them.
But I have found the fight to be worth every cut, bruise, and scrape!
Certain friends, family (father), and others that have known me from my youth up have told me how happy, and proud they are and that I'm doing a good job.
I can not possibly express how this has truly encouraged me. I have enough encouragement and support to keep me going.
Looking Ahead
Soon I will be out of work and taking a month to focus strictly on my volunteer work and study. This is when the load of preparing for meetings in another language, preparing presentations in another language, preparing for the field in another language, in addition to my regular needs shouldn't feel so overwhelming.
I know I am struggling to keep my head above water right now, but I'm working full time, of course it's harder to stay strong, I'm spread so thin that I just cannot get everything done that needs done. I am serving two masters and am definitely hating one, the one holding me back! But it will soon change and I eagerly look forward to that. I eagerly look forward to seeing what my best friend is going to do for me, not because I deserve it, but because he is that loving.
I am sure that I will then feel much stronger. I don't consider serving in any of these positions of privilege with the idea that I'm strong enough to handle it. I know I'm not, it's by means of My best friend’s strength that I make it through or even that I'm the person I am today. I don't just jump into them thoughtlessly, I put much careful consideration into decisions like these because I take them very seriously.
But I truly hope I can say that when I am weak, I am strong, because that is when my best friend will show his strength through weak ones like me. I truly hope I will rely on him (and get the hang of this someday) for strength and give him a reply for the one taunting him. I truly hope that he will sustain me in the tough times. I understand now that there are "thorns" that won't be removed, but hope to gain the strength to endure them no matter where I serve. I fully expect that my enemy will continue looking for opportunity to hit my softest spots as hard as he can, but if it is for the sake of bringing praise to my best friend’s name, and it means that I am on the front line to fight for what I believe in, then I hope to continue to face these situations, but with endurance.
No Regrets-His Strength
I truly believe that even if you have to transfer back to English after trying a foreign language field, it is not something I regret trying because I have a lot I can learn from it. Whichever language I try. If I try and give it my best, I hope to be happy with that and what I've gained in experience.
But it doesn't feel like this is the time.
I don't know if I'm strong enough for any big move I consider. When I think in regards to my own strength, I know I'm not, and I won't move. But I do not want to let fear stop me from giving my best in all that I can, and from making choices in increasing service in the work. I also hope that what he promises is true and that I rely on him for help, but he can't catch me if I don't jump.
Incomparable Blessings (Far Outweigh The Challenges)
Here are just a few of the incomparable blessings I've experienced continually while reaching out to do more in my service, and why I do not want to stop.
-Foreign language field
-Full-time volunteer work
-Volunteer schooling and the irreplaceable knowledge, encouragement, hospitality (friends feeding us and our instructors tending to us, building us up), etc.
-Many letters answered in awe inspiring (or faith strengthening) ways
-International Convention
-Meeting the many at the convention
-Meeting a number of fellow volunteers visiting from other countries
-Every one of the countless loving smiles from those volunteers
-The patience of the congregation I am serving in
-The efforts of the those in the congregation
-Expanding my associates network from full-time school and experience their great capacity of loving kindness, patience, and compassion
-The many warm, up-building conversations and association I've experienced from the mga kapatid
-Attending the special event in Seattle (thus forcing me to take time to relax a little or take a vacation)
-Meeting fellow volunteers and getting to know them from the events
-Hearing the experiences from full-time volunteers (school), and other volunteers (Special events)
-Attending the memorial in Japanese field
-Working in the field in the Japanese territory
-Drawing closer and making friends in the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement and support from various friends in the English congregations (long-time friends, family, new friends, etc.)
-Receiving encouragement and support from the Japanese field
-Receiving encouragement from fellow volunteers in the Filipino field
-Getting to know the Special volunteers and a wonderful volunteer now all serving in Oregon
-Widening out: Hearing heart warming experiences of wonderful fellow volunteers and their endurance
-Last but certainly not least (rather the greatest), the greatest joy has been experiencing my first progressive student and watching her grow from a tiny nut to a tree, and eagerly anticipating with hope to watch her become a sequoia tree (or a fellow locust shall I say?) by means of my best friend and in her growing love.
Conclusion
I know this is a lot in one posting, and I really didn't intend to write this much (especially seems how I just recently wrote part 4 (finale in honor of a friend) to a story and this post is probably too soon), I'm also sure it doesn't make much sense. But these were just some passing thoughts.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Dream - Part 4
As she reached the trees at the edge of the field, she stopped for a moment. A long gust of wind swept past her as she turned around one last time. Seeing that he was already gone, she knew she didn't have to hold it in anymore...she couldn't hold it in anymore. The tears ran from her eyes and across her cheeks as she said, "Goodbye my sweet Dreamer." Then she turned around to continue on, looking up only to find him standing there in front of her. All she could do was stand there in shock. Steadying his breathing after running around the side of the field to reach her in time, "I've finally caught you." he said with a smile.
"I don't know who this person is..." pausing for a moment as he looked to the side in thought, "but if this person really cares about us, loves us, would they really want to see us like this, especially if they could do something about it? How long has it been? My feelings for you won't change, so wouldn't they have let me go and freed you to fly by now? Haven't they moved on? If that is the case, why should three people be miserable for the sake of one's unattainable wishes? You opened my eyes and taught me to fly. Who better to fly with than the one that can lift you up?"
Having recollected herself by now, she replied, "If we leave the boundaries of this dream, we can't expect it to be easy. I won't stay that little blue bird you see me as now. Surely you'd tire of the wind. You'd inevitably see my rough edges and tattered wings."
Looking at her with the answer already in his eyes, "Your rough edges and tattered wings are what enhance your beauty. Don't you see? With rough edges and tattered wings, it's much more difficult to stay in the air, and yet you still fly. A rare sight in the world today. The way I see it, we have a fight with or without each other. If the calm between the storms spent with each other are exceedingly more joyful than being without, how could I want you to leave my dreams? My dream isn't to stay here in this field, it's to fly in beautiful blue skies with you...and to grow stronger from fighting the storms together. If there's truly something worth fighting for, wouldn't you fight for it? Your my beautiful little blue bird not because I believe your a finished painting, but because of all the little things about you. You're the last person on your mind, you see things for more than they seem, you reach for the sky, you love to fly, so much that you fight to fly even with broken wings, and you've locked my heart up...you're the only one with the key to my heart. So won't you please free me?"
More than ever, she wanted to hold herself together now, but she couldn't keep the ocean in. The tears burst out as she managed to respond, "How am I supposed to leave you now? My feet are telling me to run, but my heart won't let me. You've taken all of my strength away from me."
"Then don't." he said, "I won't let you go...I won't let you leave. I want you to share everything with me, your laughs, your smiles, your wings, your light, your warmth, your tears, your sadness, your hope...we'll use them to fuel our flight. So what do you say?"
Her tears began to dry as he awaited her response.
She stood there looking off in deep contemplation until she switched her sight back to him, finding him standing there with a determined gaze.
She let out a sweet chuckle as she said with a smile "You're really not going to let me leave are you...
As she paused a moment, he simply stood there with the answer already written across his face, then said with a smile"Very well my sweet Dreamer, you did catch me. So let's fly..."
"I don't know who this person is..." pausing for a moment as he looked to the side in thought, "but if this person really cares about us, loves us, would they really want to see us like this, especially if they could do something about it? How long has it been? My feelings for you won't change, so wouldn't they have let me go and freed you to fly by now? Haven't they moved on? If that is the case, why should three people be miserable for the sake of one's unattainable wishes? You opened my eyes and taught me to fly. Who better to fly with than the one that can lift you up?"
Having recollected herself by now, she replied, "If we leave the boundaries of this dream, we can't expect it to be easy. I won't stay that little blue bird you see me as now. Surely you'd tire of the wind. You'd inevitably see my rough edges and tattered wings."
Looking at her with the answer already in his eyes, "Your rough edges and tattered wings are what enhance your beauty. Don't you see? With rough edges and tattered wings, it's much more difficult to stay in the air, and yet you still fly. A rare sight in the world today. The way I see it, we have a fight with or without each other. If the calm between the storms spent with each other are exceedingly more joyful than being without, how could I want you to leave my dreams? My dream isn't to stay here in this field, it's to fly in beautiful blue skies with you...and to grow stronger from fighting the storms together. If there's truly something worth fighting for, wouldn't you fight for it? Your my beautiful little blue bird not because I believe your a finished painting, but because of all the little things about you. You're the last person on your mind, you see things for more than they seem, you reach for the sky, you love to fly, so much that you fight to fly even with broken wings, and you've locked my heart up...you're the only one with the key to my heart. So won't you please free me?"
More than ever, she wanted to hold herself together now, but she couldn't keep the ocean in. The tears burst out as she managed to respond, "How am I supposed to leave you now? My feet are telling me to run, but my heart won't let me. You've taken all of my strength away from me."
"Then don't." he said, "I won't let you go...I won't let you leave. I want you to share everything with me, your laughs, your smiles, your wings, your light, your warmth, your tears, your sadness, your hope...we'll use them to fuel our flight. So what do you say?"
Her tears began to dry as he awaited her response.
She stood there looking off in deep contemplation until she switched her sight back to him, finding him standing there with a determined gaze.
She let out a sweet chuckle as she said with a smile "You're really not going to let me leave are you...
As she paused a moment, he simply stood there with the answer already written across his face, then said with a smile"Very well my sweet Dreamer, you did catch me. So let's fly..."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
School Over...
We finished our two week course and had a little get together to end it on a positive note. I cannot describe the experience. It's precious and irreplaceable, one of many indescribably wonderful gifts.
I came there with my head barely above water, perhaps even bobbing a little. I didn't know if I could make it, or if it were already too late. But alas, I've been revived enough to keep going. More than that, I learned how to really swim the distance. It turns out, it wasn't the distance or the storm taking me under, it was the way I was swimming, I was doing it wrong. I was adding extra weights that were pulling me under. But now I've learned keys to strong swimming and endurance. The amount of effort put into making the class so beneficial and contributing to the overall experience were too great to mention specifics (too many individuals involved) but it reminded me of a few of the many beautiful aspects of this fight. Now I've got to show my appreciation for everything to the best of my ability by applying, reviewing, reapplying, and helping others along the way (as best I can). I have so much to work on, but I know I'm far from alone. I hope to strive to do my best and leave the rest in my friend's hands. He knows what he's doing, and is more than just capable. I don't think there's much else I can say.
Just keep swimming.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Dream...continued...Part 3
Okay. I'm going to give it another shot. Here's part 3...maybe. By the way, I made a slight revision to Part 2. They've been apart for ten years instead of twenty.
Dream - Part 3
It was as sunny a day as any, with white cotton clouds kissing the sky. He ran over the hill with eager anticipation. As he stopped at top, he found himself in slight surprise. He saw a sight that had become a distant memory...until today.
Standing there, facing the sea, she had become so beautiful since the day he met her. He could feel the tears colliding against the ground. It reminded him of the first day he met her, and yet the feeling was entirely different. An uneasiness settled deep inside of him. He couldn't explain why he felt a strange sadness tug at him from seeing her tears this time. It was as though these tears, were ones he couldn't chase away. It felt like he was going to lose something important to him. But he didn't have any reason to believe it to be the case.
"What's wrong?" he said.
She turned around and looked up to find him, standing there. Once small and boyish, and now he's become tall, dark, and handsome. How they'd grown over the years. She didn't bother wiping her tears before turning around this time. That heavy feeling only sunk deeper as he saw the tears begin to well up in her eyes again before taking a deep breath and wiping them away, leaving a smile, a mask.
"Do you think we'll ever forget this place?" she asked.
He paused a moment, before replying, "Is this a dream?"
She had a slight look of disbelief on her face before laughing, "I suppose it is. It feels like a dream!"
"Then you can hold onto it forever if you like, no one can take it away."
She paused a moment before smiling, "I suppose that's true."
She looked up at the sky with a longing sadness, "Do you think birds can fly?" she asked.
"As long as they are free." he said.
She looked to the ground with a distant sadness peering out from behind her eyes, she said, "What if it's wings are broken?"
He stood there in silence as the shock penetrated the look on his face. That question left him wondering what she meant by it. His heart began to sink, and he didn't know why. Something felt different, he'd never felt that kind of apprehension from her before. It was as though the dream was about to be torn away from him.
She shook her head and then laughed her usual laugh, "I think I got you this time Dreamer!"
She walked up beside him, softly put her hand on his shoulder, and said "Iroiro to arigatou, Musouka.”
He didn't understand what she had said, he didn't even know that she could speak another language. She always seemed to surprise him without even trying. As he turned around, she smiled back at him. "If you can catch me today, we should run away together! But if you can't, the wind might carry me off!"
"Wai--" She disappeared into the grass before he could finish.
No matter how closely he watched, no matter how fast he ran, the wind carried her off that day.
"How could I forget?" he asked.
She smiled, "did you ever figure out what I'd whispered to you that day?"
""Iroiro to arigatou, Musouka." Thanks for everything, Dreamer." he whispered.
A look of surprise settled on her eyes.
"Why did you leave? What happened?" he asked.
She looked at the grass tossing about across the field, "You opened your eyes. You had already caught me. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the dream came to an end. This was the only way I could keep it alive."
"I didn't catch you. I couldn't catch you, that day, or any other day..." he paused a moment before continuing, ""If you can catch me today, we should run away together!" You said that because you knew I couldn't catch you, didn't you."
She sat down, continuing her gaze across the field as a sullen look overtook her smile, "I didn't know, I was afraid you might catch me that day. I said that because I couldn't let that happen, let you catch me...that day of all days. I had to say goodbye, and I didn't want to."
A confusion overwhelmed his mind, "Then why? Why didn't we just run away together."
She watched the sun touch the top of the trees a moment before telling him a story, "There were two bluebirds that flew about, as happy as could be. But one day, one of the bluebirds, she learned a secret, that broke her wings. She tried so hard to figure out how to fly again, but she knew that this reality, she couldn't deny. She knew she had to say goodbye...
I wish I could tell you the reason I left that day, but I can't explain it to you. You weren't supposed to catch my heart..." suddenly tears began to well in her eyes,"...it was supposed to be locked away safely, from everyone..."as she paused a moment to recollect herself, a tear streamed down her cheek, "...and I never expected to fly away with your's. I began falling in love with you the day we met, and I didn't even know it. I left you trapped because I didn't want to be in this gilded caged alone. If there was one thing we shared, it was the longing for this dream, the incarceration of our hopes."
His heart leaped with joy to learn that she'd loved him, but cried out in pain at the same time, "Why can't we be together?"
She looked at him with the gentle smile that makes it difficult to realize you're being given bad news, "If only I had met you first, instead of her." she let out a sigh as she looked back up at the trees, "Sometimes, things just don't seem to be fair. Life can be so full of painful discoveries at times."
He became puzzled by that statment, "Who found me first, who is "her"?!" he wondered in silence.
She turned back around with a bright smile, those smiling eyes hiding so many secrets of pain and tears, and bent over with her hands behind her to look him in the eye "I suppose it's time for another goodbye."
It felt as though she were taking his heart with her, leaving this aching feeling of emptiness.
"Please don't go, please. I love you and I hope that you still love me. Why do you have to take my heart with you?" he asked with regret in his voice.
She paused a moment as she straightened her stance once again, "Sometimes, we have to sacrifice what we want most for the sake of others, right? I'll tell you what. Seems how you've already got it, I'll let you keep my heart, since I'm taking yours."
As she started to walk away, she stopped for a moment, "Please do me a favor. Don't let this cage stop you from flying. There are senseless memories, ugly memories, and painful memories in life. Don't let it kill you, control you, or let it dictate your life. If you don't keep flying, and growing, if you don't keep loving in spite of it, you will lose more of the precious moments with each passing day...It's not worth it.
Please, Treasure the memories worth holding onto, let go of the ones that aren't."
She looked back with a smile that sunk deep into his heart, one that brought about a serene sadness he couldn't explain, "Don't let the pain consume what makes you so beautiful."
She continued walking. This time she didn't run, she just walked at a pace that eased the distance between them, ever so painfully...as the wind carried her, across the field, into the trees, and out of sight...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to end it (the story) here, but decided to place the starred addition (noted by **) below this paragraph as potential for a continuation, AND A CLIFFHANGER!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!
To be honest, I was contemplating this to be a farewell post...maybe I'll give you the rest of the story (from off the top of my head...that's something special *not seriously*) and leave it with a happy ending...but that wouldn't be very fun...I want to see my readers cry like little girls (...oops. Wrong blog.)
I kind of like the mystery to the story, the bittersweet ending. But I'm also a little curious to see where it could go too. It's all up to my readers. Have you gotten tired of it yet?
Dream - Part 3
It was as sunny a day as any, with white cotton clouds kissing the sky. He ran over the hill with eager anticipation. As he stopped at top, he found himself in slight surprise. He saw a sight that had become a distant memory...until today.
Standing there, facing the sea, she had become so beautiful since the day he met her. He could feel the tears colliding against the ground. It reminded him of the first day he met her, and yet the feeling was entirely different. An uneasiness settled deep inside of him. He couldn't explain why he felt a strange sadness tug at him from seeing her tears this time. It was as though these tears, were ones he couldn't chase away. It felt like he was going to lose something important to him. But he didn't have any reason to believe it to be the case.
"What's wrong?" he said.
She turned around and looked up to find him, standing there. Once small and boyish, and now he's become tall, dark, and handsome. How they'd grown over the years. She didn't bother wiping her tears before turning around this time. That heavy feeling only sunk deeper as he saw the tears begin to well up in her eyes again before taking a deep breath and wiping them away, leaving a smile, a mask.
"Do you think we'll ever forget this place?" she asked.
He paused a moment, before replying, "Is this a dream?"
She had a slight look of disbelief on her face before laughing, "I suppose it is. It feels like a dream!"
"Then you can hold onto it forever if you like, no one can take it away."
She paused a moment before smiling, "I suppose that's true."
She looked up at the sky with a longing sadness, "Do you think birds can fly?" she asked.
"As long as they are free." he said.
She looked to the ground with a distant sadness peering out from behind her eyes, she said, "What if it's wings are broken?"
He stood there in silence as the shock penetrated the look on his face. That question left him wondering what she meant by it. His heart began to sink, and he didn't know why. Something felt different, he'd never felt that kind of apprehension from her before. It was as though the dream was about to be torn away from him.
She shook her head and then laughed her usual laugh, "I think I got you this time Dreamer!"
She walked up beside him, softly put her hand on his shoulder, and said "Iroiro to arigatou, Musouka.”
He didn't understand what she had said, he didn't even know that she could speak another language. She always seemed to surprise him without even trying. As he turned around, she smiled back at him. "If you can catch me today, we should run away together! But if you can't, the wind might carry me off!"
"Wai--" She disappeared into the grass before he could finish.
No matter how closely he watched, no matter how fast he ran, the wind carried her off that day.
"How could I forget?" he asked.
She smiled, "did you ever figure out what I'd whispered to you that day?"
""Iroiro to arigatou, Musouka." Thanks for everything, Dreamer." he whispered.
A look of surprise settled on her eyes.
"Why did you leave? What happened?" he asked.
She looked at the grass tossing about across the field, "You opened your eyes. You had already caught me. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the dream came to an end. This was the only way I could keep it alive."
"I didn't catch you. I couldn't catch you, that day, or any other day..." he paused a moment before continuing, ""If you can catch me today, we should run away together!" You said that because you knew I couldn't catch you, didn't you."
She sat down, continuing her gaze across the field as a sullen look overtook her smile, "I didn't know, I was afraid you might catch me that day. I said that because I couldn't let that happen, let you catch me...that day of all days. I had to say goodbye, and I didn't want to."
A confusion overwhelmed his mind, "Then why? Why didn't we just run away together."
She watched the sun touch the top of the trees a moment before telling him a story, "There were two bluebirds that flew about, as happy as could be. But one day, one of the bluebirds, she learned a secret, that broke her wings. She tried so hard to figure out how to fly again, but she knew that this reality, she couldn't deny. She knew she had to say goodbye...
I wish I could tell you the reason I left that day, but I can't explain it to you. You weren't supposed to catch my heart..." suddenly tears began to well in her eyes,"...it was supposed to be locked away safely, from everyone..."as she paused a moment to recollect herself, a tear streamed down her cheek, "...and I never expected to fly away with your's. I began falling in love with you the day we met, and I didn't even know it. I left you trapped because I didn't want to be in this gilded caged alone. If there was one thing we shared, it was the longing for this dream, the incarceration of our hopes."
His heart leaped with joy to learn that she'd loved him, but cried out in pain at the same time, "Why can't we be together?"
She looked at him with the gentle smile that makes it difficult to realize you're being given bad news, "If only I had met you first, instead of her." she let out a sigh as she looked back up at the trees, "Sometimes, things just don't seem to be fair. Life can be so full of painful discoveries at times."
He became puzzled by that statment, "Who found me first, who is "her"?!" he wondered in silence.
She turned back around with a bright smile, those smiling eyes hiding so many secrets of pain and tears, and bent over with her hands behind her to look him in the eye "I suppose it's time for another goodbye."
It felt as though she were taking his heart with her, leaving this aching feeling of emptiness.
"Please don't go, please. I love you and I hope that you still love me. Why do you have to take my heart with you?" he asked with regret in his voice.
She paused a moment as she straightened her stance once again, "Sometimes, we have to sacrifice what we want most for the sake of others, right? I'll tell you what. Seems how you've already got it, I'll let you keep my heart, since I'm taking yours."
As she started to walk away, she stopped for a moment, "Please do me a favor. Don't let this cage stop you from flying. There are senseless memories, ugly memories, and painful memories in life. Don't let it kill you, control you, or let it dictate your life. If you don't keep flying, and growing, if you don't keep loving in spite of it, you will lose more of the precious moments with each passing day...It's not worth it.
Please, Treasure the memories worth holding onto, let go of the ones that aren't."
She looked back with a smile that sunk deep into his heart, one that brought about a serene sadness he couldn't explain, "Don't let the pain consume what makes you so beautiful."
She continued walking. This time she didn't run, she just walked at a pace that eased the distance between them, ever so painfully...as the wind carried her, across the field, into the trees, and out of sight...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was going to end it (the story) here, but decided to place the starred addition (noted by **) below this paragraph as potential for a continuation, AND A CLIFFHANGER!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!
To be honest, I was contemplating this to be a farewell post...maybe I'll give you the rest of the story (from off the top of my head...that's something special *not seriously*) and leave it with a happy ending...but that wouldn't be very fun...I want to see my readers cry like little girls (...oops. Wrong blog.)
I kind of like the mystery to the story, the bittersweet ending. But I'm also a little curious to see where it could go too. It's all up to my readers. Have you gotten tired of it yet?
**He sat there, as the sun continued setting upon the trees. He couldn't shake the question, "Who is "she"?!". Was there someone he knew that had a connection with the girl in his dreams, the girl with no name? All these years, if there were, why didn't they mention anything, why didn't he ever see dream girl with them? How could he make his dreams come true? How could he keep the beautiful dream from slipping through his fingers?
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Just a Quick Goodnight...
As much as I was half-way considering writing a part three to Dream...I think I need a little more than 3 1/2 hours of sleep to write something that makes even just a little sense...so...on that note...I'm going to bed. Good night friends! ((_ _))..zzzZZ
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tears of Regret...the Fight Against Loss
I was typing up a poem to post today, and couldn't help but cry. I think it's because I began reminiscing the reason I had written the poem. I'd seen, and felt the toll of the death of a loved one. Many of the things I mentioned in the poem were things that I or someone I loved struggled with.
I remember being with someone while hiking maybe a year or two after my mother died, they were much closer to her than I could ever hope to be. I don't remember exactly what they said, but I remember telling them I don't believe mom would want them to do this to themselves, that she wouldn't want this to consume them. I say this because that's how I would feel. I told them it's okay to cry, we have good days and bad days, but not to let it stop them from living, growing. This is when I realized I needed to do that too.
I think, I'm moving a bit slower from a year ago. Somewhere along the way I forgot to keep growing.
I suppose today, the painful memories seem to haunt me. I want so much to be someone full of hope, laughter, love. But I can't expect a war horse riddled with scars to win the beauty pageant can I?
I'm nothing special, I know this. I'm okay with this, I strive for hope, laughter, love, faith, integrity, but I don't want to set myself up for failure by thinking I should never have a day when things hit me harder than others, or should I? When we fall, we're covered in mud, and it just plain hurts sometimes, can't we cry, even just a little? Didn't even the strong ones reach unsure moments, and wade through blood, sweat, and tears? I don't want the fight to stop, I want to do better. When I fall, I want to smile and laugh, and ask myself, "Is that all you've got?". When I do cry, I want to find my smile again, as soon as I can. I want to build others up, help them feel better when they're down, cry with them when that's all you can do, keep a positive view while holding my ground. I know I'm rough around the edges, but I hope to someday be a gem. I don't know how to explain it, but though I'm unsure and just plain crazy, it's not really impossible is it, to do this? This would probably make more sense if I actually got some sleep...
I remember being with someone while hiking maybe a year or two after my mother died, they were much closer to her than I could ever hope to be. I don't remember exactly what they said, but I remember telling them I don't believe mom would want them to do this to themselves, that she wouldn't want this to consume them. I say this because that's how I would feel. I told them it's okay to cry, we have good days and bad days, but not to let it stop them from living, growing. This is when I realized I needed to do that too.
I think, I'm moving a bit slower from a year ago. Somewhere along the way I forgot to keep growing.
I suppose today, the painful memories seem to haunt me. I want so much to be someone full of hope, laughter, love. But I can't expect a war horse riddled with scars to win the beauty pageant can I?
I'm nothing special, I know this. I'm okay with this, I strive for hope, laughter, love, faith, integrity, but I don't want to set myself up for failure by thinking I should never have a day when things hit me harder than others, or should I? When we fall, we're covered in mud, and it just plain hurts sometimes, can't we cry, even just a little? Didn't even the strong ones reach unsure moments, and wade through blood, sweat, and tears? I don't want the fight to stop, I want to do better. When I fall, I want to smile and laugh, and ask myself, "Is that all you've got?". When I do cry, I want to find my smile again, as soon as I can. I want to build others up, help them feel better when they're down, cry with them when that's all you can do, keep a positive view while holding my ground. I know I'm rough around the edges, but I hope to someday be a gem. I don't know how to explain it, but though I'm unsure and just plain crazy, it's not really impossible is it, to do this? This would probably make more sense if I actually got some sleep...
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