As I look out the window at the beautiful sunny day teasing me from the other side of the glass, I eagerly anticipate the moment I will be able to go out and enjoy it. Up here in the Arctic lands, sun is a highly valued commodity in nature. This summer, even more so.
I suppose I should tell you about how I am doing here in the Arctic for that is surely the reason you are reading this blog. But how to do so without divulging personal details about me, that will be the real challenge. When I talk about serious matters, it is easy to forget anyone can read it, and these days, every event in my life is serious. Whether it be serious joy, sadness, pain, hope, love, tears, laughter, I take it seriously, because those around me have the greatest impact on events. If that makes any sense.
First, I will start with the weather. As I have already alluded to, the sun has been scarce, and rain a plenty. I suppose it makes you appreciate even more so what is easy to be taken for granted.
As for people in my life. There are always the ones that bring joy, sadness, hope, love, that build you up, or tear you down. I have many wonderful friends that I know care dearly about me, and others that I'm sure care but do not understand why I do the things I do yet. I will not stop hoping for them, loving them, and doing my best to do what's best for them, though it's not easy, and with some, it may even be the hardest thing(s) to do. But love endures all things, conquers all things, bears up, as long as I keep building on this kind of love in me, I will not give up in hoping for them, or loving them, no matter how they may feel about me.
My student has been making wonderful progress, she even made it to the convention this weekend! I know she has many challenges ahead of her. I hope that she will make the right choices when the time comes. She's learned a lot, now to put it to work. She put serious thought into the things she has learned and reminds me...of me...even if just a little. She loves what she's learning about and has brought me so much joy. This opportunity has helped me to take this work much more seriously than I used to. Because I did not think I could ever help someone like this. But now I know, it does not matter what I think I can or cannot do, because it's not me doing the work (making her love grow for the things she's learning). It truly is a privilege.
As for a few others in my life. There are a few that I feel have grown tired of me, lost interest. I have always felt that this be the case, it was hard enough learning to live with myself, how much more could I expect others to handle this? I have come to accept this about myself, about others. I know that is why I subconsciously try to secretly keep a distance in my heart with most. Because I truly believe, if they get to know me too well, they will wish they hadn't. Somehow though, I just cannot keep this from being the case. I let my guard down too easily, and find myself in this situation again. Anyways, these are some feelings I'm facing right now with some friends.
Some of the others, want little to nothing to do with me now, I push hard sometimes, because I love them (and I'm crazy, but they already know this). They don't understand right now, but I will not give up, and I will not stop hoping that someday they will understand me. Until then, I will continue to try my best.
I liken it to the ocean, swimming for your life. Some begin to tire out, others give up altogether because they focus on the things at hand and not what's ahead. It's easy for this to happen to us as well if we're not attentive. They just stop and let themselves sink, all we can do is do our best, but be sure not to let ourselves sink with them. We can pull and try, they may fight, but if we drown ourselves in the process, what will we have accomplished? We have to keep swimming, and hopefully the strong will help the exhausted, but they have to let them help.
My Papa is doing well and has been such a support to me this past year, I cannot thank him enough. I know he's got a few battles of his own, but I have confidence that he can make it through them with help.
Lastly, for myself. This past year has been a real fight just to stay on the front lines. But I have had so much support from friends, family, and most importantly, from someone of the greatest importance. Because of this, I will not give up hope that I can achieve these goals with better success this year. When I took on this extra volunteer work, I understood it would be a lot, especially because I did not imagine I could ever amount to this.
I suppose I've never been one to take the easy way, even when perhaps I should just a little in my mind. There (in my mind) think I tend to set my expectations a little higher than reasonable sometimes...a lot of the time. But I am determined to stay in the fight, and take the lead as best as I can with help of course (couldn't do it alone).
In spite of the way it may seem, this year has brought so much more joy and happiness than ever before. I know that happiness depends on one thing, and it has nothing to do with marriage, or family, or material things.
You can be unhappily married, or unhappily single for that matter.
You can have parents that give you whatever you want and still be unhappy or unattractive(as a person, not in looks), or always wishing you had someone else's parents or family, and the family or atmosphere you had, you can lose in a moment.
You can be insecurely, or unhappily rich, and you can certainly lose that in a moment as well, and monetary possessions can make you an unattractive person if you let them.
But there is one thing that gives us hope, endurance, strength, and keeps us striving to love when it's hardest.
So right now, I am happily single. I try not to worry about whether I will find someone or not, I really don't think too much about it. If someone special comes along, they come along, if not, then they haven't. I think it's important to have that first. Otherwise, if you're in a hurry, you tend to overlook seemingly small things that have a huge effect over time. I strive to improve where I can, and do my best to accept what I've got(who I am) at the moment. I say this because there will always be something to work on.
Now that the introductory post is out of the way and you are caught up on probably the last...three years or so, the others should be (hopefully) much shorter than this mind numbingly long one. Thanks for listening...reading.
P.S. I drew this a few years ago. I have added a few random photos in this post from pictures that I've taken over the years. Enjoy.
There is truth in the counsel concerning the impact of association, because association can leave you with the additional hardship in choosing. The people you choose to spend time with, or loved ones, can add to or reduce the pain and/or pressure of choosing between compromise and resolve. They can build up, or tear down. The closer to the end of the storm, the heavier it gets. But the closer that light is as well, we have to keep our eyes focused on our destination, not what we've left behind, right? If we spend all our time focused on the rear view mirror, we’re sure to crash are we not? When it comes to sink or swim, some of us loose sight of our objective and sink. Some of us begin to sink, but regain our sight. Some of us have to sink first to realize what we’re really missing. Others, as hard as it is to do, keep swimming. But those we choose to have close to us can affect our attitude, determination, and conviction. I have recently solidified my understanding of this in myself. It is such an easy thing, to lose sight of how our association is affecting us. At least, it can be for me at times.
