Broken Hearts...Love and Let Go.

There are some I've known that may not believe I understand the pain of love, loss, betrayal, the heart, or the treacherous tricks it can play on us. All I can do, is hope that someday they will see things a little more clearly, and understand the reasons for my choices in time.

Believe me, I understand the pain of a broken heart, and broken trust. It can be intense, leave lasting scars, change your world, even feel like your world is crushed and will never be mended. It can feel like your heart will never work again. It can leave you feeling worthless, hopeless, and lonely. It can leave you feeling angry, and hurt. It can make you, even if for a fleeting moment, want to exact revenge and want them to feel the pain you feel, but more than anything else, just want them to want you. It can leave you wondering why you fall apart and overflow with tears so easily at the moments you want most to hold yourself together. I've been there before. It makes it that much harder when you turn out to be the one on the giving side of this kind of "bad news". But now I want to share what I've learned, and what I believe now. Please keep in mind that there are many different situations and that not all of the following is applicable to the reader.

First of all, each one must carry his (or her) own load.

This helped me not to writhe myself with guilt, trying to convince myself that I have feelings that really aren't there because they're a nice guy, when someone confesses their feelings to me that I simply don't feel the same way about. 

This also helped me to realize that I need to be prepared for that possibility and be able to accept that as well. If you don't want to take the risk or can't handle a broken heart, then don't play the game.

This doesn't mean that we don't need to be careful, if you care about others' well being, you'll do your best not to cause them that kind of unecessary pain by intentional/reckless flirting or stringing someone along to make yourself feel better about yourself, when in actuality, you really don't have those kind of feelings for him/her. But then of course, we're imperfect and unforseen occurrences befall us all, now don't they.

For some of you, there's nothing you could have done better. You may have realized a potentially dangerous relationship, maybe you realized the person had things they needed to resolve themselves, that you couldn't help them with. The deeper a relationship gets, the more painful the fallout of it becomes, right? So really, isn't it a kindness to break it off as soon as possible if you realize early in the relationship that it is dangerous, or that what you thought to be, really isn't? If you just drag yourself into a "one-sided" relationship, wouldn't it really end up making both people miserable, one feeling trapped, the other feeling guilty and hurt? Sometimes someone does something drastic when you make that choice, but really, aren't there usually deeper problems at hand? All we can do is do our best to be kind and considerate, and try to avoid that situation/pain when possible, but strive to be kind about it when we can't.

But what if you're on the receiving end? This is the primary reason for this post. These were things I wanted to say at one time, but couldn't. To those with broken hearts and lost promises.

At least 99.9% of humans have at least to some extent felt the pain of broken promises and unrequited love. So please remember, you're not alone. I've found that friends lend a great deal of help in picking ourselves back up when we've fallen and the person we hoped or thought would be there to catch us, wasn't. There's nothing wrong with crying when you're scraped up, bruised, and hurting. When you're around the ones you can trust, your friends, or a shoulder you can lean on, just let it out. But please don't let the pain consume you. Don't let it fill your heart with resentment, and cloud out the reasons to continue loving. Love does not get jealous, puffed up, it endures all things. It is the most endearing and important quality that makes us beautiful. Without it, how would we ever be motivated to help others or keep their well being at heart even at the times it's most difficult, when we may have to suffer pain for it. I didn't always understand this, but I hope to some extent, I do now.

When we open up, and let someone in, they can take a piece of our hearts with them. But as painful as it can be, the loving thing to do sometimes, is to let it go, if our feelings are unrequited. If you keep a fish out of water, it'll die, so if you really want that fish to live, if you really care about that fish, you've got to let it go, right? Though this is much easier said than done, and can take time. If we strive to reach that stage as soon as possible, we'll get to it soon enough. It will still be painful, even after we've done this. But with time, the wound will heal...if we let it. No matter what happens, don't stop finding reasons to love. But remember, there's nothing wrong with letting your friends help you either. There exists a friend sticking closer than a brother. Two are better than one, for if one should fall, the one is there to raise the other. They're your comrades, and are there to help you up when you fall. But they can't help if you won't let them, I truly know this from personal experience.

For me, the first time wasn't the hardest, but it was ever so painful. Even if it wasn't the deepest, it was the first cut. Now, my heart has received many different kinds of cuts, deep cuts, and surface cuts. It's been cut to the point I'm not even sure it's ever to compare to others' beauty. But it has survived the battles, and come out still loving, has overcome the challenge to stop. I know I have cut others, not intending to, and only hope to minimize the pain I cause others. I'm sure some of them don't realize it, and I hope someday they will see things differently. But I have not stopped loving them just because it hurts, I refuse to stop hoping in love. As they cut, I wait. I truly believe, that if there is someone that you are committed to, it's important to strive to continue loving them. But sometimes, for some of them, you need to step out of reach, give them a little time and space, otherwise they will keep cutting until you bleed to death. Give your heart the chance to heal. Ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. But we've got to fight for it!

The principles that this (and my other posts in this blog) is based on are not from my own wisdom, there are many "quotes" that are not my own, they are truly from my best friend, he's always taken care of me and urged me to do what's best. I hope that I will continue to improve on how I show my appreciation and always continue to learn from him. I at least hope that the reasoning is based on his principles, because I believe they are truly the wisest. The thoughts jump around a little in this post, but I hope that the main points made it through the jumbled mess.

I'm sure a lot of this is nonsense, but I believe this is important (not the nonsense) to keep living. Maybe due to my stubbornness. 

The Shrew and The Bluebird.

Once there was a little shrew taken in by a family of field mice. The shrew was different so it received ridicule from the mice, it was treated as an outsider. The little shrew wanted so much to find it's place, a place to belong. But the shrew had many adventures on it's own.

One sunny morning, the shrew was out to venture early. Suddenly, it heard a beautiful sound. "What is it?" the little shrew wondered. It followed the sound to find an amazing creature, a blue bird. The bright and cheerful bluebird was singing a melodious tune. How it captivated the little shrew. What's more, it could fly. The bird cutting through the air with ease gave off a light airy feeling, took away the cares of the day. The little shrew and bluebird quickly became friends. The shrew watched the bluebird as it flew and sang, it made the shrew feel light and happy. The little shrew admired the bluebird and wanted to fly, it wanted to be bright and beautiful, to have a beautiful voice that brought about smiles to accompany the tunes. But when the mice found out, they said to the little shrew, "What could you do? You will never be like that. You're just an ugly little shrew!". This continued for a few days, eventually the shrew began to believe them. 

The next day, the bluebird noticed the shrew was feeling down. "What's wrong little friend?" the bluebird asked. The shrew said, "Oh how I wish I could be like you. You are so beautiful, with a voice and songs that bring happiness to everyone. It can even brighten a rainy day. You fly so high in the sky and are a master of the air. The beautiful coat of feathers that catches the eye. But I'm just an ugly little shrew, what could I ever do?"
The bluebird smiled, "Silly little shrew, did you know that I admire you?" The little shrew with shock said, "What is there to like about me?!" The bluebird responded, "I am fast in the air, but you are fast on the ground. I am carefree and play all day, but you are cautious and attentive, you see danger long before I do. You've mastered evading preditors from the air as well as the ground, whereas I have only mastered ones from the air. While I draw attention to myself without even trying, you blend into your surrounding easily, and to your enemies, can be hard to find. You are strong, fearless, not afraid to fight. You are strong where I am not. But do you know what I think?" The shrew quickly replied, "What?". The bluebird continued with a smile, "I think we make a great team. Where the one is lacking, the other makes up."
The shrew thought for a moment taking it all in, then the bluebird said, "So, little shrew, do you wish to fly?". The little shrew responded, "How could I?!" The bluebird flew down to the ground next to the shrew and said, "Hope on, and hold on tight." The little shrew was both ecstatic and nervous as it climbed on with caution. The bluebird flew up and down, it spun around, it flew over the mice, as the mice had to look twice. As the bluebird landed safely, the little shrew looked around, got back on the ground, and leaped with excitment.
"Now.", the bluebird said, "You've done the impossible."

The next day the shrew was up bright and early, out to meet it's friend, once again. But the bluebird was nowhere to be found. The shrew wondered if the bluebird had left, after searching and searching, the shrew decided to put it to an end. When suddenly, there was a faint noise. It was his friend! But the tone was very different, it made the shrew feel uneasy, like it's friend was in danger.

The little shrew scurried faster than ever before. It arrived to find the bluebird trapped! The bluebird cried, "Oh little shrew, what will I do. It looks like our days together have come to an end! I'm sorry little friend!"

After pausing a moment to look at the trap, the shrew responded, "Hold on a moment, I know what to do." It started chewing on the rope with it's strong teeth, when suddenly they heard a sound. Foot steps fast approaching! The little shrew chewed and scratched with all of it's might. Closer and closer, the bluebird cried, "It's almost here! Run little friend!" Then the last strand to the rope broke and the door fell open. He was finally free!

But suddenly the sun disappeared! As they looked up, there, standing, was the trapper. The shrew said, "Follow me!" But here came the hands. "Hop into the hole of the tree over there!" said the shrew. Then the bird responded, "But what will you do?!". The shrew turned with a smile, and said, "I'll protect you!"

The bird hopped to the hole as the shrew crawled up the trapper's shoe. With one swift swing, the hand came down, but the shrew was too fast and small to be found. Finally the shrew scurried to the hole. Safe! But how will they get out the trapper is waiting. The shrew told the bird, "If you can hop up the ridges inside this tree, we can get to the branch and you can fly away safely. So they made their way along the narrow openings between the ridges till they reached the branch. The bird said to the shrew, "hop on and I'll carry you!" So the shrew did just so and they made their escape quickly. The bird then said, "Now do you see, what kind of a friend you are to me?" The shrew smiled and said, "I finally see my worth, as a shrew. Thank you!" That was the beginning to a wonderful friendship, each one special, in it's own way.

Sink or Swim

There is truth in the counsel concerning the impact of association, because association can leave you with the additional hardship in choosing. The people you choose to spend time with, or loved ones, can add to or reduce the pain and/or pressure of choosing between compromise and resolve. They can build up, or tear down. The closer to the end of the storm, the heavier it gets. But the closer that light is as well, we have to keep our eyes focused on our destination, not what we've left behind, right? If we spend all our time focused on the rear view mirror, we’re sure to crash are we not? When it comes to sink or swim, some of us loose sight of our objective and sink. Some of us begin to sink, but regain our sight. Some of us have to sink first to realize what we’re really missing. Others, as hard as it is to do, keep swimming. But those we choose to have close to us can affect our attitude, determination, and conviction. I have recently solidified my understanding of this in myself. It is such an easy thing, to lose sight of how our association is affecting us. At least, it can be for me at times.

As it gets slightly colder, I have decisions to make. Reassessments, but I think I have made my decision on one matter. For the time being, I am determined to work harder and give more this year than last. I didn’t do very well last year, but when I think of my background, the struggles, and adjustments I had to make, it’s to be somewhat expected. I know there are some that believe I am taking on too much. I only believe that this can be carried out with help and sacrifice. I will give it another shot this year, because this work is so important. I will try to get ahead and focus on the changes I need to make, instead focusing on the number of mistakes I’ve made. I will focus on improving my view, and leaning on the right person.

There are opportunities that arise, but I must consider my steps carefully. It is wise to calculate the cost before you start building, right? I will strive to focus on the more important things, and do what I must, give everything I've got, for what's worth fighting for.

Sunny Days...Introduction.

As I look out the window at the beautiful sunny day teasing me from the other side of the glass, I eagerly anticipate the moment I will be able to go out and enjoy it. Up here in the Arctic lands, sun is a highly valued commodity in nature. This summer, even more so.

I suppose I should tell you about how I am doing here in the Arctic for that is surely the reason you are reading this blog. But how to do so without divulging personal details about me, that will be the real challenge. When I talk about serious matters, it is easy to forget anyone can read it, and these days, every event in my life is serious. Whether it be serious joy, sadness, pain, hope, love, tears, laughter, I take it seriously, because those around me have the greatest impact on events. If that makes any sense.

Now to the news.

First, I will start with the weather. As I have already alluded to, the sun has been scarce, and rain a plenty. I suppose it makes you appreciate even more so what is easy to be taken for granted.

As for people in my life. There are always the ones that bring joy, sadness, hope, love, that build you up, or tear you down. I have many wonderful friends that I know care dearly about me, and others that I'm sure care but do not understand why I do the things I do yet. I will not stop hoping for them, loving them, and doing my best to do what's best for them, though it's not easy, and with some, it may even be the hardest thing(s) to do. But love endures all things, conquers all things, bears up, as long as I keep building on this kind of love in me, I will not give up in hoping for them, or loving them, no matter how they may feel about me.

My student has been making wonderful progress, she even made it to the convention this weekend! I know she has many challenges ahead of her. I hope that she will make the right choices when the time comes. She's learned a lot, now to put it to work. She put serious thought into the things she has learned and reminds me...of me...even if just a little. She loves what she's learning about and has brought me so much joy. This opportunity has helped me to take this work much more seriously than I used to. Because I did not think I could ever help someone like this. But now I know, it does not matter what I think I can or cannot do, because it's not me doing the work (making her love grow for the things she's learning). It truly is a privilege.

As for a few others in my life. There are a few that I feel have grown tired of me, lost interest. I have always felt that this be the case, it was hard enough learning to live with myself, how much more could I expect others to handle this? I have come to accept this about myself, about others. I know that is why I subconsciously try to secretly keep a distance in my heart with most. Because I truly believe, if they get to know me too well, they will wish they hadn't. Somehow though, I just cannot keep this from being the case. I let my guard down too easily, and find myself in this situation again.

Anyways, these are some feelings I'm facing right now with some friends.

Some of the others, want little to nothing to do with me now, I push hard sometimes, because I love them (and I'm crazy, but they already know this). They don't understand right now, but I will not give up, and I will not stop hoping that someday they will understand me. Until then, I will continue to try my best.

I liken it to the ocean, swimming for your life. Some begin to tire out, others give up altogether because they focus on the things at hand and not what's ahead. It's easy for this to happen to us as well if we're not attentive. They just stop and let themselves sink, all we can do is do our best, but be sure not to let ourselves sink with them. We can pull and try, they may fight, but if we drown ourselves in the process, what will we have accomplished? We have to keep swimming, and hopefully the strong will help the exhausted, but they have to let them help.

My Papa is doing well and has been such a support to me this past year, I cannot thank him enough. I know he's got a few battles of his own, but I have confidence that he can make it through them with help.

Lastly, for myself. This past year has been a real fight just to stay on the front lines. But I have had so much support from friends, family, and most importantly, from someone of the greatest importance. Because of this, I will not give up hope that I can achieve these goals with better success this year. When I took on this extra volunteer work, I understood it would be a lot, especially because I did not imagine I could ever amount to this.

I suppose I've never been one to take the easy way, even when perhaps I should just a little in my mind. There (in my mind) think I tend to set my expectations a little higher than reasonable sometimes...a lot of the time. But I am determined to stay in the fight, and take the lead as best as I can with help of course (couldn't do it alone).

In spite of the way it may seem, this year has brought so much more joy and happiness than ever before. I know that happiness depends on one thing, and it has nothing to do with marriage, or family, or material things.
You can be unhappily married, or unhappily single for that matter.
You can have parents that give you whatever you want and still be unhappy or unattractive(as a person, not in looks), or always wishing you had someone else's parents or family, and the family or atmosphere you had, you can lose in a moment.

You can be insecurely, or unhappily rich, and you can certainly lose that in a moment as well, and monetary possessions can make you an unattractive person if you let them.

But there is one thing that gives us hope, endurance, strength, and keeps us striving to love when it's hardest.
So right now, I am happily single. I try not to worry about whether I will find someone or not, I really don't think too much about it. If someone special comes along, they come along, if not, then they haven't. I think it's important to have that first. Otherwise, if you're in a hurry, you tend to overlook seemingly small things that have a huge effect over time. I strive to improve where I can, and do my best to accept what I've got(who I am) at the moment. I say this because there will always be something to work on.

Now that the introductory post is out of the way and you are caught up on probably the last...three years or so, the others should be (hopefully) much shorter than this mind numbingly long one. Thanks for listening...reading.

P.S. I drew this a few years ago. I have added a few random photos in this post from pictures that I've taken over the years. Enjoy.