Update And A Short Story

I'm sorry, to whatever readers I may still have. I haven't had much to, or could, really write about in ways of stories or recent events, or reflection for that matter. Honestly, inspiration has not gotten the better of me as of recent...except for, I suppose a few poems. Most of its been trying to sort, understand, and regain footing. 

I really didn't expect my blogs to last this long. I suppose my writings were always best left in my head, or a book I could keep to myself for the most part. 

I really just started my first blog in my teens, because I really had to get my thoughts out of my head, it was nice to think someone might be there. Then I started it back up for a friend just for fun. I am trying to find the mental energy to put something together soon.
I truly hope everyone is well.

I wanted to apologize again for all the trouble I've caused my readers. I also wanted to thank all of my readers, still here or not. For what? Their patience, encouragement, and support.

Honestly, the last year and a half were my most difficult years. I had hit hopelessness as I never had before, it was crushing.
I think the external force magnifying that has changed, and I am recovering. I am sorry I kept this to myself for so long.
Honestly, I didn't want to post until I had regained that person I have been reading in previous posts, not sure I ever would. I wanted the post to be more positive and upbeat since I have no doubt everyone's fighting their own battles.
I had hit an internal WWI it felt like, in my youth, and never wanted to experience that again, fighting smaller battles since then. Much to my disappointment, these past couple years, I felt like I had hit the WWII I was hoping, and trying, never to face. I felt like I was knocked back down to square one and had to work my way back up internally, all over again. What's worse, I wasn't even sure I could. I felt so drained, even now I struggle a little with the getting back on my feet again, walking, tripping, falling.
I have found moments though, laughing, feeling okay, breathing, feeling like old times, like there is still a smolder and I just might be able to regain that flame that was once inside.
Though I learned from the experience, and some relationships were strengthened by going through what I did, I felt rather lost and hopeless. Reading old posts, I miss that hope, that person that was so determined to be more than they were told they could be, to step outside of their box of life and reach for something more, even when things were down.

I'm okay, everything is okay, I'm living and breathing, and recovering...just not as quickly as I would like. I received support from people I never expected. My best friend is still asking me why I'm holding back so much now, he's giving me the go ahead that he's still with me, supporting me, helping me, believing in my potential ,more than I do myself, he's reminding me that he's still here with me, as I keep thinking he's left or going to leave. His patience and mercy continually hits the core of my heart, not fully understanding why he loves me like he does, but loving that he does..
I want to get back into the fulltime service, I want to do the things i used to and be balanced out a little more like I felt then, I want to have that relative peace again. I will keep trying to regain that, but it's like an injury and you have to learn to walk again, I'm not healing and improving at the rate I want to, and I'm missing the fire that was once there. But I know these things take time.
I am facing choices and not sure what my next move should be, remain the arctic shrew, or become something else.
I am doing well most days though and am finding pieces of that fire again. Tomorrow I will try to post my last couple crazy weeks.

I hope everyone is doing well and fighting the fight!

Here's another short story off the top of my head, it was floating around a little bit, maybe I'll finally catch it:

Sunrise

As the light gleamed from the sunset, it cast a warmth upon her. She sat there watching from a mountain side while prepping for a campfire, thinking how she missed the seashore. The sounds of the water used to be so calming. She tried to recall how she came to be where she was now, but she couldn't, or perhaps, she didn't want to. 

It took her back to memories she thought she had forgotten...

Seven years old, she sat there on the beach, drawing flowers in the sand. Her older brother came up to her, "What are you doing?" 

She looked up at him and smiled, "Making flowers!" He paused a moment, "Want to go look for stuff in the water?." She looked up to notice the tide had receded. She jumped up in her pink sandals, pink corduroy shorts, and flowered tank top, with her blonde curly hair, "Yeah!"

Skipping from rock to rock, they would look at what the tide left behind in little pools of water. They would spend hours, finding rocks, shells, and creatures they found interesting. It wasn't difficult to amuse them with the simple things. They loved watching things work, and finding little treasures in the sand. 

She'd look at her brother, thinking to herself how much fun she was having. 

She didn't care about the harsh words classmates would say to her, she didn't understand why they would do that. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter how cold the outside world was, when she had her own little world of peace.

She and her brother would have so many adventures. Playing on the rocks, looking for creatures and items on the beach, looking for bugs under the rocks in the fields, digging forts in the dirt, digging tunnels. None of the things that happened outside mattered because she had her home, her place to go to, adventuring with her brother.

She never imagined that she would miss that, because she never imagined that was something she would lose.