Just a Quick Goodnight...

As much as I was half-way considering writing a part three to Dream...I think I need a little more than 3 1/2 hours of sleep to write something that makes even just a little sense...so...on that note...I'm going to bed. Good night friends! ((_ _))..zzzZZ

Tears of Regret...the Fight Against Loss

 I was typing up a poem to post today, and couldn't help but cry. I think it's because I began reminiscing the reason I had written the poem. I'd seen, and felt the toll of the death of a loved one. Many of the things I mentioned in the poem were things that I or someone I loved struggled with.

 I remember being with someone while hiking maybe a year or two after my mother died, they were much closer to her than I could ever hope to be. I don't remember exactly what they said, but I remember telling them I don't believe mom would want them to do this to themselves, that she wouldn't want this to consume them. I say this because that's how I would feel. I told them it's okay to cry, we have good days and bad days, but not to let it stop them from living, growing. This is when I realized I needed to do that too.
I think, I'm moving a bit slower from a year ago. Somewhere along the way I forgot to keep growing.
I suppose today, the painful memories seem to haunt me. I want so much to be someone full of hope, laughter, love. But I can't expect a war horse riddled with scars to win the beauty pageant can I?
I'm nothing special, I know this. I'm okay with this, I strive for hope, laughter, love, faith, integrity, but I don't want to set myself up for failure by thinking I should never have a day when things hit me harder than others, or should I? When we fall, we're covered in mud, and it just plain hurts sometimes, can't we cry, even just a little? Didn't even the strong ones reach unsure moments, and wade through blood, sweat, and tears? I don't want the fight to stop, I want to do better. When I fall, I want to smile and laugh, and ask myself, "Is that all you've got?". When I do cry, I want to find my smile again, as soon as I can. I want to build others up, help them feel better when they're down, cry with them when that's all you can do, keep a positive view while holding my ground. I know I'm rough around the edges, but I hope to someday be a gem. I don't know how to explain it, but though I'm unsure and just plain crazy, it's not really impossible is it, to do this? This would probably make more sense if I actually got some sleep...

Dream...continued

Tadaa! Thanks to a special request, I will be attempting the impossible! I will attempt to continue a fly story (maybe not that impossible)! I kind of need to do some "get away" writing anyways! (^u^)

Dream (Part 2)

As he stood there, staring in disbelief, he mumbled, "Is this a dream?"
She smiled, "You remember!"
She walked up to him, "Do you think birds can fly?"
His eyes welled up with tears, "Not as high as you. A place I've dreamed of reaching since I met you."
The smile faded from her face, transforming into a look of surprise.
"A dream that came to haunt me, keeping me captive until I could reach it. I wish I had the chance to tell you. I wanted so much to tell you."
"Did you reach it?" she asked.
"I'm still trapped." he replied.
The surprise on her face continued to settle in.
"Are you really here, or am I dreaming?" he asked.
Her eyes were as though a mask hid many secrets, stories of pain, a beautiful mask of serenity. The conversation caught her by complete surprise, let alone seeing the familiar stranger she thought had long forgotten this place, since the last day they saw each other.
As she walked by, she put her hand on his shoulder and whispered, "You're it!"
She started toward the tall grass. As she did, he remembered the last memory of her running into the grass, bringing about a painful fear that dropped his heart to the bottom of his stomach. He started forward, launched his hand out and grabbed her wrist, stopping her in her tracks. She looked back to see the tears in his eyes. He paused a moment in the realization that he wasn't dreaming.
"Don't leave, please. I'm so sorry, I tried. I couldn't reach you, I couldn't catch you. I should have told you these things that day. I should have stopped you. I wanted to protect you." he said.
At that moment, she realized that he hid just how much her tears affected him that day. The day she disappeared.
"I thought it was a dream." she said.
He paused a moment and looked up at her.
"I liked the dream. I didn't want it to end. I loved this place more than anywhere else. When I had tears choking me, when my nightmares were catching up to me, when I felt the weight pulling me to the ground, I'd come here." She paused a moment and smiled as she looked up at the sky, "You chased it all away. All of my sadness, all of my fears, I felt free." She looked back at him again, "You did all that. You gave me my smile, I wish I could have stayed here with you." She let out a smile accompanied with a subtle laugh, "How long has it been Dreamer?"
"Ten years." he replied.
"That long huh?", she said with a smile. "You remember the first day we met?"
He thought back.

It was a sunny day, with cotton clouds in the sky. He was running in the field. As he reached the bottom of the hill, he heard a faint noise whispering to the waves.
He slowly approached the hill to find her facing the waves, crying. "Shine as brightly as you may, the blue bird will still fly away." she said softly.
"Are you okay?" he asked. She quickly wiped her tears and turned around to see him standing at the top of the hill in a boyish manner.
She smiled, "I was giving my tears back to the ocean." He responded, "You don't get your tears from the ocean." She smiled, "And you don't get your imagination from the sky."
He stood there a moment, trying to figure out what she meant.
"Are you sad?" he asked."Why do you ask that?" she responded. "Because, I'll share my secret with you." he said as he grabbed her hand. All she could do was be pulled along with a look of surprise on her face.
He lead her into the field and flopped down into the tall grass.
He pointed to the sky as he laid on his back, "Nobody can find you here. The grass will make you invisible. The blue sky, and the warmth of the sun makes me feel better. Maybe it will soak up your sadness when you're feeling down."
She looked at him for a moment with surprise, then she smiled and looked back up at the sky, "It does. Thanks! I won't tell anyone your secret."

"Yes." he said. It was the first time I saw you cry. I didn't see you cry again until the last day I saw you.
"That's because I didn't cry again until that day, I knew I had my secret field of dreams to go to. I knew I just had to hold on to my tears, my sadness, until I got there. Then you would chase them away and the sun would swallow them up. But even the sun couldn't swallow my sadness that day. I waited for the ocean to help me. But all I could do was dread the completed dream that day." she responded.

"Do you remember what I said?" she asked.

A Promised Story

So friends, here's that story I promised about my bronchitis. When I was about sixteen or so, I had gotten bronchitis really badly. I had gotten a severe fever first, but then I felt a lot better in a few days. I went outside, but neglected to take care of myself properly.
I still had a cold and spent far too much time in -15 degree weather in the daytime, as well as night. After about a week of ignoring the fact that I was still sick, I had developed bronchitis. I was coughing so hard in the mornings and evenings that I was "getting sick" for about three weeks.
After a week of it, we went to the doctors and got antibiotics, but it still took me two weeks to stop coughing so badly. Then, it was still in my breathing (was difficult to breathe without cough catch in mid-inhale or exhale) for about 2 months after that.

Now, whenever I get a cold, it comes back without fail. The good thing is that since that day, it's only like the recovery period (after the first three weeks) for about 3 weeks to a month. The only problem is, this last time, I got a severe sinus infection and it came back the worst I've had it since I got sick. It still wasn't as severe as the first time I got it, but this time I had difficulty sleeping (one night I didn't get any sleep at all).
 Last week I had been coughing so much that my ribs and stomach felt raw from it. I'm feeling much better now though. Now it's just a faint catch in my breathing. It gets worse in the cold. But I'm sure this is a really boring story.
 I don't want any of my readers to worry because I'm fine now. \O(T_T)O/ As good as almost new (I was born "almost as good as new"). Now for a random story off of the top of my head...

Dream

He watched his footsteps as he ran up a hill at the end of a field filled with tall grass. He was sure she'd be there. He slowed down as he the reached the top, to find her laying there in the short grass a fair distance from the ledge, listening to the waves. She was watching the clouds roll around between her fingers as she held her hand up. After a moment, she looked back to see him standing there. She took another moment before standing up and turning around to face him.
"Are you ready?" she asked.
"For what?" he replied.
 She spread her arms out and then answered his question, "To fly."
As he folded his arms in a boyish manner he responded, "You can't fly. Do you think you're a bird?"
 She flopped her arms to her sides. As she walked toward him she said, "And you can't see. What are you, a mole?"
Then as she proceeded to walk past him she said quietly, "You'll never catch me if you keep your eyes closed."
At that moment she hit him. "Ow." he said.
 "You're it!" she said as she disappeared into the tall grass, leaving only a moving trail where she stepped. He smiled and  thought, "Today's the day. I'll catch you!"
As he disappeared into the grass, he woke up, only to find himself thirty again. The memory was so distant it seemed as though it were a dream. He let out a sigh of disappointment as he got up to prepare for the day.
As he stood at the sink, drinking his coffee, he lowered his cup to the counter for a moment as he gazed out the window.
"Shine as brightly as you may, the blue bird will still fly away." he said in a gentle tone.
"It wasn't your fault you know" came a voice from behind him. As he looked back, he saw his brother standing there, who also turned out to be his roommate.
As he closed his eyes a moment to recover from the slight surprise, he turned his head back to look out the window again, "Why do the clouds have to be so white today, it's as though they're mocking me.".
"Don't shoo the clouds away. The grey blanket may take their place, then the day would just be dreary." said his brother.
He peered over at his brother with an unamused look, "I have a nice big boot over there with your name on it."
His brother looked in the same direction and said, "Oh there it is, I've been looking for that."
"What are you doing today?" asked his ever so curious brother.
"I've got the day off, so I thought I'd go for a little walk."
"Suit yourself. If you want to do anything, give me a call." replied his brother.
"Thanks."

He took a long drive to memory lane. As he walked through the field, it felt as though he were dreaming. He could hear the waves, crashing softly. As he walked over the hill his heart filled with anticipation. It happened every time he approached that spot, even though deep down, he knew that he wouldn't find what he was looking for. Even though, he continued walking.
As he slowly came over the top of the hill he stopped to find his heart dropping from his chest.
There, standing, taller, her hair blowing softly in the wind, in a yellow sun dress dancing around her, no shoes, and a book in her hand. Could it be her? As she turned around, he could not believe it.
She looked up to find him standing at the top of the hill. Pausing a moment in surprise, she then stood straight up and said with a smile, "Well hello there stranger. Long time no see. Do you think we'll ever forget this place?"

Reminiscence...

I was reading through my old blog The Daily Chomp, and came across a post that was written with someone in mind. Someone I care dearly about. Anyways, I knew the likelihood of their reading the post was minimal. I am sure they haven't read it, but I thought about that illustration again.
For reference, it's on The Daily Chomp, November 3, 2006, posting called Illustration. As I read it, I remembered that I even thought up a story based on the principal of each person's house representing themselves, and the work left for them to do determined by experiences in their childhood. I suppose this entry will be a modified summary of that story. I have no idea why I decided to do this for my post, but this is it.

Each person is left a house, a responsibility that belongs to their parents until they become an adult. How the parents take care of it, determines greatly the amount of work left to the person to inherit it. But when building a house, or repairing one for that matter, there is much to consider. The people you choose to have on your crew, or allow onto your site, have a great impact on your amount of progress. You must keep a sharp eye out for plants from an enemy. Some learn this early, for many, this requires continual adjustment and growth. This is the story about a girl, striving to build a dream, the "impossible". What happens when it becomes too much, what will she do? Will she ever finish the project? Will she give up? Will it consume her until there's nothing left? Will she be alone, or will she have the help she needs to continue the fight? Will her enemy win, or will she conquer the challenges that arise?

That's it. Just some non-sensical thoughts passing by, though I suppose those belong on the other blog.

Broken Hearts...Love and Let Go.

There are some I've known that may not believe I understand the pain of love, loss, betrayal, the heart, or the treacherous tricks it can play on us. All I can do, is hope that someday they will see things a little more clearly, and understand the reasons for my choices in time.

Believe me, I understand the pain of a broken heart, and broken trust. It can be intense, leave lasting scars, change your world, even feel like your world is crushed and will never be mended. It can feel like your heart will never work again. It can leave you feeling worthless, hopeless, and lonely. It can leave you feeling angry, and hurt. It can make you, even if for a fleeting moment, want to exact revenge and want them to feel the pain you feel, but more than anything else, just want them to want you. It can leave you wondering why you fall apart and overflow with tears so easily at the moments you want most to hold yourself together. I've been there before. It makes it that much harder when you turn out to be the one on the giving side of this kind of "bad news". But now I want to share what I've learned, and what I believe now. Please keep in mind that there are many different situations and that not all of the following is applicable to the reader.

First of all, each one must carry his (or her) own load.

This helped me not to writhe myself with guilt, trying to convince myself that I have feelings that really aren't there because they're a nice guy, when someone confesses their feelings to me that I simply don't feel the same way about. 

This also helped me to realize that I need to be prepared for that possibility and be able to accept that as well. If you don't want to take the risk or can't handle a broken heart, then don't play the game.

This doesn't mean that we don't need to be careful, if you care about others' well being, you'll do your best not to cause them that kind of unecessary pain by intentional/reckless flirting or stringing someone along to make yourself feel better about yourself, when in actuality, you really don't have those kind of feelings for him/her. But then of course, we're imperfect and unforseen occurrences befall us all, now don't they.

For some of you, there's nothing you could have done better. You may have realized a potentially dangerous relationship, maybe you realized the person had things they needed to resolve themselves, that you couldn't help them with. The deeper a relationship gets, the more painful the fallout of it becomes, right? So really, isn't it a kindness to break it off as soon as possible if you realize early in the relationship that it is dangerous, or that what you thought to be, really isn't? If you just drag yourself into a "one-sided" relationship, wouldn't it really end up making both people miserable, one feeling trapped, the other feeling guilty and hurt? Sometimes someone does something drastic when you make that choice, but really, aren't there usually deeper problems at hand? All we can do is do our best to be kind and considerate, and try to avoid that situation/pain when possible, but strive to be kind about it when we can't.

But what if you're on the receiving end? This is the primary reason for this post. These were things I wanted to say at one time, but couldn't. To those with broken hearts and lost promises.

At least 99.9% of humans have at least to some extent felt the pain of broken promises and unrequited love. So please remember, you're not alone. I've found that friends lend a great deal of help in picking ourselves back up when we've fallen and the person we hoped or thought would be there to catch us, wasn't. There's nothing wrong with crying when you're scraped up, bruised, and hurting. When you're around the ones you can trust, your friends, or a shoulder you can lean on, just let it out. But please don't let the pain consume you. Don't let it fill your heart with resentment, and cloud out the reasons to continue loving. Love does not get jealous, puffed up, it endures all things. It is the most endearing and important quality that makes us beautiful. Without it, how would we ever be motivated to help others or keep their well being at heart even at the times it's most difficult, when we may have to suffer pain for it. I didn't always understand this, but I hope to some extent, I do now.

When we open up, and let someone in, they can take a piece of our hearts with them. But as painful as it can be, the loving thing to do sometimes, is to let it go, if our feelings are unrequited. If you keep a fish out of water, it'll die, so if you really want that fish to live, if you really care about that fish, you've got to let it go, right? Though this is much easier said than done, and can take time. If we strive to reach that stage as soon as possible, we'll get to it soon enough. It will still be painful, even after we've done this. But with time, the wound will heal...if we let it. No matter what happens, don't stop finding reasons to love. But remember, there's nothing wrong with letting your friends help you either. There exists a friend sticking closer than a brother. Two are better than one, for if one should fall, the one is there to raise the other. They're your comrades, and are there to help you up when you fall. But they can't help if you won't let them, I truly know this from personal experience.

For me, the first time wasn't the hardest, but it was ever so painful. Even if it wasn't the deepest, it was the first cut. Now, my heart has received many different kinds of cuts, deep cuts, and surface cuts. It's been cut to the point I'm not even sure it's ever to compare to others' beauty. But it has survived the battles, and come out still loving, has overcome the challenge to stop. I know I have cut others, not intending to, and only hope to minimize the pain I cause others. I'm sure some of them don't realize it, and I hope someday they will see things differently. But I have not stopped loving them just because it hurts, I refuse to stop hoping in love. As they cut, I wait. I truly believe, that if there is someone that you are committed to, it's important to strive to continue loving them. But sometimes, for some of them, you need to step out of reach, give them a little time and space, otherwise they will keep cutting until you bleed to death. Give your heart the chance to heal. Ultimately, the only person we can change is ourselves. But we've got to fight for it!

The principles that this (and my other posts in this blog) is based on are not from my own wisdom, there are many "quotes" that are not my own, they are truly from my best friend, he's always taken care of me and urged me to do what's best. I hope that I will continue to improve on how I show my appreciation and always continue to learn from him. I at least hope that the reasoning is based on his principles, because I believe they are truly the wisest. The thoughts jump around a little in this post, but I hope that the main points made it through the jumbled mess.

I'm sure a lot of this is nonsense, but I believe this is important (not the nonsense) to keep living. Maybe due to my stubbornness. 

The Shrew and The Bluebird.

Once there was a little shrew taken in by a family of field mice. The shrew was different so it received ridicule from the mice, it was treated as an outsider. The little shrew wanted so much to find it's place, a place to belong. But the shrew had many adventures on it's own.

One sunny morning, the shrew was out to venture early. Suddenly, it heard a beautiful sound. "What is it?" the little shrew wondered. It followed the sound to find an amazing creature, a blue bird. The bright and cheerful bluebird was singing a melodious tune. How it captivated the little shrew. What's more, it could fly. The bird cutting through the air with ease gave off a light airy feeling, took away the cares of the day. The little shrew and bluebird quickly became friends. The shrew watched the bluebird as it flew and sang, it made the shrew feel light and happy. The little shrew admired the bluebird and wanted to fly, it wanted to be bright and beautiful, to have a beautiful voice that brought about smiles to accompany the tunes. But when the mice found out, they said to the little shrew, "What could you do? You will never be like that. You're just an ugly little shrew!". This continued for a few days, eventually the shrew began to believe them. 

The next day, the bluebird noticed the shrew was feeling down. "What's wrong little friend?" the bluebird asked. The shrew said, "Oh how I wish I could be like you. You are so beautiful, with a voice and songs that bring happiness to everyone. It can even brighten a rainy day. You fly so high in the sky and are a master of the air. The beautiful coat of feathers that catches the eye. But I'm just an ugly little shrew, what could I ever do?"
The bluebird smiled, "Silly little shrew, did you know that I admire you?" The little shrew with shock said, "What is there to like about me?!" The bluebird responded, "I am fast in the air, but you are fast on the ground. I am carefree and play all day, but you are cautious and attentive, you see danger long before I do. You've mastered evading preditors from the air as well as the ground, whereas I have only mastered ones from the air. While I draw attention to myself without even trying, you blend into your surrounding easily, and to your enemies, can be hard to find. You are strong, fearless, not afraid to fight. You are strong where I am not. But do you know what I think?" The shrew quickly replied, "What?". The bluebird continued with a smile, "I think we make a great team. Where the one is lacking, the other makes up."
The shrew thought for a moment taking it all in, then the bluebird said, "So, little shrew, do you wish to fly?". The little shrew responded, "How could I?!" The bluebird flew down to the ground next to the shrew and said, "Hope on, and hold on tight." The little shrew was both ecstatic and nervous as it climbed on with caution. The bluebird flew up and down, it spun around, it flew over the mice, as the mice had to look twice. As the bluebird landed safely, the little shrew looked around, got back on the ground, and leaped with excitment.
"Now.", the bluebird said, "You've done the impossible."

The next day the shrew was up bright and early, out to meet it's friend, once again. But the bluebird was nowhere to be found. The shrew wondered if the bluebird had left, after searching and searching, the shrew decided to put it to an end. When suddenly, there was a faint noise. It was his friend! But the tone was very different, it made the shrew feel uneasy, like it's friend was in danger.

The little shrew scurried faster than ever before. It arrived to find the bluebird trapped! The bluebird cried, "Oh little shrew, what will I do. It looks like our days together have come to an end! I'm sorry little friend!"

After pausing a moment to look at the trap, the shrew responded, "Hold on a moment, I know what to do." It started chewing on the rope with it's strong teeth, when suddenly they heard a sound. Foot steps fast approaching! The little shrew chewed and scratched with all of it's might. Closer and closer, the bluebird cried, "It's almost here! Run little friend!" Then the last strand to the rope broke and the door fell open. He was finally free!

But suddenly the sun disappeared! As they looked up, there, standing, was the trapper. The shrew said, "Follow me!" But here came the hands. "Hop into the hole of the tree over there!" said the shrew. Then the bird responded, "But what will you do?!". The shrew turned with a smile, and said, "I'll protect you!"

The bird hopped to the hole as the shrew crawled up the trapper's shoe. With one swift swing, the hand came down, but the shrew was too fast and small to be found. Finally the shrew scurried to the hole. Safe! But how will they get out the trapper is waiting. The shrew told the bird, "If you can hop up the ridges inside this tree, we can get to the branch and you can fly away safely. So they made their way along the narrow openings between the ridges till they reached the branch. The bird said to the shrew, "hop on and I'll carry you!" So the shrew did just so and they made their escape quickly. The bird then said, "Now do you see, what kind of a friend you are to me?" The shrew smiled and said, "I finally see my worth, as a shrew. Thank you!" That was the beginning to a wonderful friendship, each one special, in it's own way.