Update: Still Fighting

Update

Two weeks ago as I was preparing to start a busy week of volunteer work, something else happened. For some reason, I wasn't really surprised and couldn't help but laugh. As I finished my shopping (bought fruits and veggies from wholesale store/warehouse), I went to my car to put the groceries in the trunk. It was a somewhat warm day, 20 degrees. Guess what happened, can you guess? 

With no effort, as I turned the key, it broke off in the trunk of my car. Not the spare, but the factory key, with the chip so I couldn't start the car without it. I was able to get the trunk open and crawl through the back seats to the front and open my car (bringing to mind the realization that I am definitely out of shape and need to hit the gym). I then spent about an hour chillin' (literally) in my car (because I couldn't start it) waiting for a tow truck. So no work and I had to pay for a tow and buy a new key. You see, when I checked a couple years ago into getting an additional key with a chip in it, I found out it would cost me $175-$275 and a couple weeks to order it from the factory. I had to ride with the tow guy was a nice guy, he offered me a job and almost invited me out for drinks (which was what I was afraid of) but I told him that I couldn't work full-time and bars were not my scene, they make it easy to get into trouble. He agreed. 

Now here are a few of the positives (I considered to be): 

1. I didn't end up on the milk carton. 

2. The guy that gave me a tow was the owner of the company and he made an adjustment to the schedule to pick me up earlier (it was going to be about 2 hours until I told him that I couldn't start my car to stay warm) and was very nice.  

3. The key turned out to be in stock at the dealerships and it was a much less than expected. So although when you are not working, $120 (included towing) unexpected expense is quite a bit, it's much less than I thought, and that makes it much better. 

4. I had spent an hour in the car wrapped up in a blanket 10 degree weather to reprogram the chip, then I found that my car still wouldn't start because the battery was dead. But then a very kind acquaintance quickly came to my aid (to my surprise) and gave a jump start (the positive).

Next week (this week) I was going to go out in the field and made plans. Then became deathly ill. I spent about four days with a severe sinus/ear infection in addition to some kind of nightmarish flu. For three days I had random spurts of sharp pains every 15 mins or so, it was worse when I tried to walk around. One of the nights, I woke up every half hour (by the time I got back to sleep) in a cold sweat (freezing but burning up) and making my way to the bathroom in nauseous pain. That night, I couldn't laugh, I just cried. I wondered if it were too late, if I had already drowned, I wondered if I would ever be able to become a decent full-time volunteer and fulfill my responsibilities. I felt discouraged and tired of the pain and just wanted to be able to go to the doctor (can't afford it and it wasn't bad enough that I thought my life was in danger). I was stuck in a rut I couldn't get out of.

But guess what happened the next day (the positives), my friend who was ever so graciously (and fearlessly) taking care of me showed up after work with FLOWERS, and a ton of sickie stuff (dayquil, bayer, soup, etc.) from the store for me. 
When I was younger, sometimes my father would surprise me with flowers. Last year he gave me a little white rose from a wedding he went to, I can't explain why it brought back that warm excited feeling from when I was a little girl and he had brought home a bouquet. The fact that he brought the flower all the way back, and thought to give it to me. Although this is something I probably should not be revealing to my readers (that I am a hopeless sap at heart), I couldn't help but want to share this warm memory of my childhood.
I have never had a friend take care of me like she did! I usually had to make my way on my own, I knew that's what I should expect, but it's not fun when it's painful to walk and you gotta do it anyways. Her kindness brought tears to my eyes! 
So although I am still recovering (sinus and ear infection hasn't quite subsided completely yet) I am feeling much better and very glad that I am still alive. The random sharp pains have stopped today. A dear volunteer strongly advised that I don't push myself too hard and just allow myself to recover, so I am staying indoors as much as possible and allowing myself to recover and hope to be fully recovered by Monday and will just focus on doing my best. 

Reflection

I was doing some reading and came across some wise counsel (great book when you're going through a hard time). It was beautifully said, "Shall we accept merely what is good from the true God and not accept also what is bad?" The principle is beautiful and was just what I needed to reflect on. Should I only praise my best friend and have faith in him when I am receiving blessings and not also when facing challenges or tests of my integrity? Should I only do what I should when it is convenient for me and not also when it is difficult? As long as it is a fight to stay in the fight, I can be sure that my enemy has not conquered me and I have not drowned myself. I have the precious privilege of bringing praise to his (my friend's) name by means of my choices, actions, and I truly hope that I do. I know that I will always have things to improve, and I may not be a very good servant, but I hope that I will always strive to give him my best! I can also draw comfort from knowing that he does not expect more than that from me, as well as that he is ever so loving and patient with me. So even though I don't do as well as I would like, by his merciful love, he doesn't give up on me. I just hope that I overcome this rut soon with his help and remain faithful to him forever. I don't want to be like this, I want to do better.

Resolve

So I'm going to try to continue to focus on doing what I can, when I can, and finding a way around/over the obstacles that I cannot change. Or as it was once said, "Give me the strength to change the things I can, and accept the things I can not change." I hope I can remember this. Although I may always have these kind of struggles, against discouragement and faith, I truly believe and hope that my friend has the power to make change me to a great degree and that my mentality can become like his son's. We can't give up! We have to keep moving forward! 

Apologies

So I will try to keep my readers posted. I am truly sorry that these entries have been so negative. I have not expressed my appreciation for the many friends that have offered kind, loving words of encouragement. They have truly been of insurmountable help! This includes my readers that have kindly offered encouragement when noticing I was feeling down, or even thought about me and wished to help me in some way. Although I cannot tell all of the friends I would like to in person, I will say it now in words that do no justice to the feeling. Thank you friends!