Sorry friends. I've been in a bit of a rut recently.
This entry is going to be little bit of a downer.
But check out the random thoughts page for a piece to a old story I came up with.
I don't know how to make ends meet. I can't meet everyone's expectations. I have forgotten what the glimpses of "home" feel like. I find the urge to hide away from everyone growing more and more, because that's just easier to do. Things are piling up and I can't breathe. I'm tired and I can't seem to find hope, reason, or faith.
Every time my friend pulls me out of this hole, I find myself right back in it, curled up in the corner, scared, crying. Hoping he won't find me because I'm sick of doing this to him again and again, yet wanting him to because rather than have him give up on me, more than anything, I just want to stop doing this. The sky is dark and I can't seem to find the silver lining anymore. I've covered it up only to lose my way.
I feel like the troops are coming, I know they are coming, soon to lay siege, and as much as I don't want it to be this way, i was or am too foolish to get out help others out, and now it's too late.
Why does it have to be this way?
Why can't I find the sunshine and keep my sights on it?
Why can't I find my faith, my confidence, my joy?
Why does reason have to be so easy to see but difficult to hold on to?
Why do I have to be such a fool, and so weak?
Why do I cage myself in loneliness when I have wonderful friends right at my fingertips?
These questions roll around in my head only to chase away my sunshine and leave me in the cold dark compress of my mind, hating what I am.
がんばって、ニアちゃん。おまえをしんじろ。ね？
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I wish I could say what I really want to but it would only insult your intelligence. I'm to the point now that I feel my very presence is a burden to some, and anymore in my heart I feel like everyone is indifferent to my existence; I have reached out and nobody reaches back.
ReplyDeleteMy worldly friends have moved on, and by the same token I have yet to gain any true christian friends, more than mere acquaintances. I feel I am being protected from worldly influence, as per my prayer, but also feel others may be protected from me as well. This has led me to feel outcast and broken; I don't quite fit anywhere, literally and figuratively.
It saddens me greatly that it appears that you are feeling the same sense of loneliness and despair, and it's altogether depressing, because there seems to be no source of where it's coming from. It's just sadness for the sake of being melancholy. It's oppressive and heavy, and when you share it with others, there's a part of you that regrets sharing it, because you feel like you've been made vulnerable, and it causes you to close even further. You wish for others to see it in your eyes, want someone to notice but you don't really know why, don't really know what they can do for you anyway. You want someone to know, but you keep it to yourself because you feel ashamed for feeling so weak, for letting your guard down and letting somebody in. This causes you to be angry, not only at others for not noticing, but also angry with yourself, and you begin to hate yourself for feeling ridiculous and unsorted; you're better than this, and it's all the more frustrating that in all your awareness of God's love and the outpouring of his holy spirit, putting one foot in front of the other is a task that still proves formidable and onerous, and others, with greater hardships and lack of guidance, seem to do it so effortlessly...
There's even a part of you that wonders about the new world; in a world without pain and sadness, where will you fit if you're apt to falling into fits of despair? Knowing that, despite the weight of worrying about others having been lifted off our shoulders, what will change for *us* when the idea of being happy is so detached from our perspective as it is...would we even recognize it?
And this makes us feel guilty, because we feel unfaithful, because we know we must wait patiently. We know that Jehovah knows us more than we know ourselves, that what he gives us, our needs, are sometimes not what we expect, and we know not what to look for...
But did you know that in the Bible, being alone is the first thing God declares as not good? If Jehovah himself has made this declaration, surely he knows what you are feeling, Nautica, and you won't feel this way forever.
In regards to making ends meet, I know it's none of my business, but let me know if you ever need anything, or if you just need to talk to someone about it. If you ever need to blow off some steam, perhaps we can get a few peeps together and make an evening out of it. Stay strong, don't give up, /insert every feel-good-saying cliche ever made, etc.
I promise I am not a starfish.
K, your comments are not useless, and although it's hard to remember sometimes, I have to keep in mind that I am precious in Jehovah's eyes...just like you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good friend, I think people just need to get to know you a little better. Ganbatte! Don't give up! Your efforts are never short of Jehovah's sight. Jehovah knows the fight you are fighting, and he is cheering you on in your service to him.
I know that every time I visit you guys on southside, even though I may not mention it, I notice when you are or are not there. The same way I notice whether other friends are there or not, because my friends are important to me, and I have no doubt more of the friends that know you feel that way than you think. Keep up the great work and thanks for the encouraging comments!
Aniki-kun, honto ni arigato!
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