Much To My Surprise...

Today, I thought to myself, "I could write whatever I want on my blog. If no one is reading it anymore, I could send my deep dark concern that I have kept to myself, to spare my friends worry or pain for any longer a duration than necessary, into the void.I could write the things out that have been weighing on my mind, all of them, and send them off."
Much to my (pleasant) surprise, I found two comments waiting for me to read! I suppose this blog has not quite out lived it's purpose after all! That is, if they're still reading. Again, my readers have put me to shame, or more, I have put myself to shame on account of my readers!
But that also means I can't write what I was going to. But if I had to choose, I would much rather it be this way. Thank you readers! Thank you for giving my blog purpose, and making it useful, even if it's just useful to me. I appreciate each and every one of my readers. Not a single one of you were excluded in that statement. So if you are reading this, I mean it!
It's up-building and encouraging to have the support of my readers (friends) reminding me which way is up when I am feeling down, and to enjoy it with me when I am up.

I should leave that story, but I think I will have to put it off for a couple more days. I don't quite have my head together enough for that today.

To catch my readers up, I will be spending a week in two foreign language fields at the end of this summer, so I have been brushing up on my Tagalog and Japanese ( 日本語 ). I am looking forward to it with great anticipation ( 素敵 - すてき )! I have a Japanese friend that has been conversing with and explaining things to me, it has helped tremendously.

There's another refreshing event that will be taking place in a couple weeks, I am also looking forward to with eager anticipation.

There have been some changes, similar, but not necessarily bad because I have the hope that my best friend will/is, again, ever so kindly, help/ing me through it all. I'm hoping I can make a few good changes happen this year. I'll keep you posted, and if you have already left never to return, it will help me keep things straight in my own head. Regardless of whether you read this or not, thank you deeply for everything ( 本当に有り難う - ほんとにありがと ).

Farewell

Well Readers, that is, if there are any left.

As of recent, I have tales of a continuing fight through tears and continual begging for help from my best friend against a treacherous heart that loves to torment, deceive, and condemn.
Land of the homeless, looking and hoping for a place to belong, knowing haunting loneliness is tailing, reminding that close families, close friends, and dreams have no place here for this one. Yet hoping and begging for hope. Knowing something will work out, because it would be too painful to think there be a reason for it not to.
And yet another, anticipated adventure, that is awaited with great eagerness.

But I think I will leave it at that. Honestly, I think that these blogs have outlived their usefulness and are no longer of consequence. Becoming nothing but online compilations of useless thoughts that should remain secrets of the mind, and a reminder of how a little shrew, can never fly like a bird.

I will leave one last item, a snippet from a piece of a story I wrote some time ago. About a person learning to let go, and live on.

I will leave it next week as I have 4 hours of driving tonight.

Update...

Hello Readers!

I know it has been some time since I have posted, for this I offer my sincere apologies. It has been hectic recently (training in a new position, moved, moving, will move again in a matter of months, along with the usual).  Honestly, I have also had a difficult time thinking of what to write about (I think a majority call it "writer's block). My previous blog was very concerning, so I would like to assure all of you that although more challenges have risen in a way, I feel better equipped to face them and am in a good disposition right now.
 I have finally uncovered that story I wrote an outline to ages ago called "Come What May", so hopefully soon, I will be post a taste of it on my Random Thoughts blog. I welcome feedback. Thanks once again for all of your support.

Untitled

Sorry friends. I've been in a bit of a rut recently.
This entry is going to be little bit of a downer.
But check out the random thoughts page for a piece to a old story I came up with.

 I don't know how to make ends meet. I can't meet everyone's expectations. I have forgotten what the glimpses of "home" feel like. I find the urge to hide away from everyone growing more and more, because that's just easier to do. Things are piling up and I can't breathe. I'm tired and I can't seem to find hope, reason, or faith.
Every time my friend pulls me out of this hole, I find myself right back in it, curled up in the corner, scared, crying. Hoping he won't find me because I'm sick of doing this to him again and again, yet wanting him to because rather than have him give up on me, more than anything, I just want to stop doing this. The sky is dark and I can't seem to find the silver lining anymore. I've covered it up only to lose my way.
I feel like the troops are coming, I know they are coming, soon to lay siege, and as much as I don't want it to be this way, i was or am too foolish to get out help others out, and now it's too late.

Why does it have to be this way?
Why can't I find the sunshine and keep my sights on it?
Why can't I find my faith, my confidence, my joy?
Why does reason have to be so easy to see but difficult to hold on to?
Why do I have to be such a fool, and so weak?
Why do I cage myself in loneliness when I have wonderful friends right at my fingertips?

These questions roll around in my head only to chase away my sunshine and leave me in the cold dark compress of my mind, hating what I am.

Seattle Venture

I know you are all just itching to hear how the trip to Seattle went for the special event, so I'm finally going to fill you in.

Chillaxin' with the Filipinos.

First of all, I didn't get to take pictures this time at the event, but the friends were great. I stayed with a dear family and they stuffed me like a spoiled little pig. It was great. Friends came over in the evening, and we had a blast. I had a wonderful privilege of sitting in on their Family night and I have never enjoyed it so much. It was a precious experience. The special event meetings were truly enlightening and possibly the best yet! But the treasures just seem to keep coming with great pieces of delight in each one, and encouragement to keep us on our toes given the times. Anyways, I won't spoil it for those who haven't heard it yet, but you definitely don't want to miss it! I look forward to hearing it again in English.

She came, she saw, she conquered...the food stuffs.

Now for the rest. I arrived at the airport at 1:50 am only to have a dear new friend from the Japanese speaking field pick me up to catch some zzz's at her place until later. Then I took the Link Rail to the airport, which was nice to  experience again and was a good reminder that I wasn't dreaming. The friends picked me up and then after I caught a little extra sleep, they took me to The Great Wall *of china ehem* of which I conquered!

It's like that fun little fishing game...but better.

Then the friends took me to a sushi bar (not alcoholic beverage kind of bar! The kind that has sushi on a belt.). We had a blast. I think the overall experience was what was so great! After sushi, we stopped by Uwajimaya's to pick up some items for the the event.

YUM!

 So the rest was covered in the opening paragraph. After the event, a friend picked me up for a little get-together for a visiting couple from Japan. That night we enjoyed food and conversation. I met some new people and then everyone got together to listen to the visitors' experiences and ask the visitors questions. It was great, there was just one problem. I'm not fluent in Japanese! But a sweet native speaker there voluntarily translated for me! My heart leaped with joy!

Icon Grill. Good food. Good prices. Nice atmosphere. A+

 I ended up staying the night, and the friend kept me up way too late (it was actually my fault)! The next day, she had to work for a few hours. I went to the Icon Grill and enjoyed a cup of coffee and ended up having lunch there. A surprisingly tasty healthy sandwich with a sweet pear salad. The atmosphere is an energetic, and yet relaxed atmosphere.

Monorail overhead.

A neat little alley with a quaint little Vespa.

After staying up too late again (I seemed to have a thing for making her suffer!). She went to work a little while the next day too. Meanwhile, I went to the Icon Grill again, to try out the macaroni. It had a very impressive presentation, and was very cheesy. I have to say, if you only like macaroni and cheese from kraft or velveeta (very simple), you may not like it at the Icon Grill. But if you’re open to different things and like upscale macaroni, you just might want to try it. I found it very tasty. After lunch, I set off to Seattle. I went to the Westlake Mall and checked out the shops. Walked around Pike's market a bit.

His arm holding the hammer moved!

After work, my friend took me around Seattle to some places I hadn't been yet. It was great! We walked by the Museum of Art. A place to visit next time when I get a City Pass (to visit Museum of Science (Sci-Fi), Museum of Art, Museum of Flight, and of course the Seattle Sea Life Center).

Beautimous A-girl

Shouldn't that girl be in a kimono?!

 We went down this peaceful looking area, with a bunch of steps leading to the "ocean front". It had cherry blossom trees (one of the wonderful sights of Seattle) and water fountains. So of course, we snapped a couple pictures.

My pony was intimidated by the other ponies.

We went by some neat little shops...and some pretty strange ones. One of the shops had strange things that reminded me of a place my siblings and I used to go to called the Fantastic Museum...I wonder if it's still around. Then we went to this indoor "carnival" place. It was like a carnival and arcade combined. Of course, we had to take a ride on the carousel. Although, my pony seemed to be having a bad hair day...must not have gotten his coffee yet...poor guy. To be honest, that's why I picked him. To give him a boost of confidence. I know what it's like when you haven't had your coffee yet, it's tragic. My friend tried to take me to get some fresh donuts down at the Pike's Market (they make them right in front of you). But they already sold out.

Maserati Quattroporte

As we were walking Seattle we spotted a beautiful Maserati (Quattroporte I think), so we had to snap a pick. I mean, it is a rare sight for Frigid Arctic dwellers like me! The lady seemed a little nervous though, I guess she's not used to tourists being car enthusiasts, hehheh.

So many DDR machines *tear*

Then after much groveling, my friend agreed to go Gameworks and Cheesecake Factory with me...in that order of course. She was so accommodating the whole trip, as all the friends were. I was so spoiled! So she snapped a picture of me playing DDR (I was so off that day!), and we left no evidence that we went to Cheesecake Factory afterwards *shifty eyes*.

Enjoying a cup of coffee next to a fire...OUTSIDE!

Then she took me by a neat little discount book store, we browsed the Japanese section. I found a couple authentic mangas (of course in Japanese) for a very affordable price. I was able to identify one of them and knew it was safe, and browsed the other...it looked safe. They're good to get a start in reading Japanese (Hiragana, etc.). I also found something even better, a neat little kiddie pad to learn Katakana. It looks very effective.
Then we went by this cool shop and had a cup of coffee by a fire...outside! It was great!
Then another friend came and we had a sleepover!

Coffee art...tis a beautiful thing.

The next day I joined some volunteer work with the Japanese field while A-girl (see picture above) went to work. Then walked around Seattle a little more with Emmy-girl (gotta love nicknames), then went back to engage in more volunteer work, then A-girl dropped me off at the airport after their meeting.

Mmm...fresh donuts.

Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I went down to the Pike's Market while A-girl was at work and after a fight scene similar to what I imagine the Stock Market to be like, I acquired those donuts (I was kidding about the whole fight thing...come on guys! Really!) They were indeed delicious. I also went to this awesome place called the Essential Bakery, the guy making the coffee had some mad art skills. The camera really didn't do it justice. By the way, in case any of you are wondering, yes, the picture to the left is what happens when I don't straighten my hair...on a good day.

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to post something tomorrow on a Random Girl's Thoughts about a mission that I just completed tonight! Don't forget to head over there.
Take Cafe readers! (I wonder if anyone remembers that one?)

Brief Update

Hello friends!

I think I am going to be moving in with my dad over the next month. I have put a lot of thought and consideration into three congregations, and the move out to my dad's seem like the best choice right now. I am sad to leave the Filipino friends but look forward to my next adventure and intend on working hard towards it. I understand now, I've been fighting on the front lines for two years now, though it's nothing special, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back to allow your health bar to build back up when it's depleted as long as you don't stop paddling right? That's what I'm hoping.
I realized I allowed myself to be spread too thin, I was trying to serve two masters (working full-time for too long a period, preparing for talks, service (both in two languages), trying to get my hours in, and trying to take care of my household responsibilities. I have learned from the experience and do not regret it.
While in english, I will resume my Japanese studies (try to get a jump start in the foreign language field) and look for an opportunity down the road to use it in my service. That's about it for now, gotta a lot to do before leaving for Seattle on Monday including service tomorrow! Yay!

P.S. Hope everyone is doing well.

Update: Still Fighting

Update

Two weeks ago as I was preparing to start a busy week of volunteer work, something else happened. For some reason, I wasn't really surprised and couldn't help but laugh. As I finished my shopping (bought fruits and veggies from wholesale store/warehouse), I went to my car to put the groceries in the trunk. It was a somewhat warm day, 20 degrees. Guess what happened, can you guess? 

With no effort, as I turned the key, it broke off in the trunk of my car. Not the spare, but the factory key, with the chip so I couldn't start the car without it. I was able to get the trunk open and crawl through the back seats to the front and open my car (bringing to mind the realization that I am definitely out of shape and need to hit the gym). I then spent about an hour chillin' (literally) in my car (because I couldn't start it) waiting for a tow truck. So no work and I had to pay for a tow and buy a new key. You see, when I checked a couple years ago into getting an additional key with a chip in it, I found out it would cost me $175-$275 and a couple weeks to order it from the factory. I had to ride with the tow guy was a nice guy, he offered me a job and almost invited me out for drinks (which was what I was afraid of) but I told him that I couldn't work full-time and bars were not my scene, they make it easy to get into trouble. He agreed. 

Now here are a few of the positives (I considered to be): 

1. I didn't end up on the milk carton. 

2. The guy that gave me a tow was the owner of the company and he made an adjustment to the schedule to pick me up earlier (it was going to be about 2 hours until I told him that I couldn't start my car to stay warm) and was very nice.  

3. The key turned out to be in stock at the dealerships and it was a much less than expected. So although when you are not working, $120 (included towing) unexpected expense is quite a bit, it's much less than I thought, and that makes it much better. 

4. I had spent an hour in the car wrapped up in a blanket 10 degree weather to reprogram the chip, then I found that my car still wouldn't start because the battery was dead. But then a very kind acquaintance quickly came to my aid (to my surprise) and gave a jump start (the positive).

Next week (this week) I was going to go out in the field and made plans. Then became deathly ill. I spent about four days with a severe sinus/ear infection in addition to some kind of nightmarish flu. For three days I had random spurts of sharp pains every 15 mins or so, it was worse when I tried to walk around. One of the nights, I woke up every half hour (by the time I got back to sleep) in a cold sweat (freezing but burning up) and making my way to the bathroom in nauseous pain. That night, I couldn't laugh, I just cried. I wondered if it were too late, if I had already drowned, I wondered if I would ever be able to become a decent full-time volunteer and fulfill my responsibilities. I felt discouraged and tired of the pain and just wanted to be able to go to the doctor (can't afford it and it wasn't bad enough that I thought my life was in danger). I was stuck in a rut I couldn't get out of.

But guess what happened the next day (the positives), my friend who was ever so graciously (and fearlessly) taking care of me showed up after work with FLOWERS, and a ton of sickie stuff (dayquil, bayer, soup, etc.) from the store for me. 
When I was younger, sometimes my father would surprise me with flowers. Last year he gave me a little white rose from a wedding he went to, I can't explain why it brought back that warm excited feeling from when I was a little girl and he had brought home a bouquet. The fact that he brought the flower all the way back, and thought to give it to me. Although this is something I probably should not be revealing to my readers (that I am a hopeless sap at heart), I couldn't help but want to share this warm memory of my childhood.
I have never had a friend take care of me like she did! I usually had to make my way on my own, I knew that's what I should expect, but it's not fun when it's painful to walk and you gotta do it anyways. Her kindness brought tears to my eyes! 
So although I am still recovering (sinus and ear infection hasn't quite subsided completely yet) I am feeling much better and very glad that I am still alive. The random sharp pains have stopped today. A dear volunteer strongly advised that I don't push myself too hard and just allow myself to recover, so I am staying indoors as much as possible and allowing myself to recover and hope to be fully recovered by Monday and will just focus on doing my best. 

Reflection

I was doing some reading and came across some wise counsel (great book when you're going through a hard time). It was beautifully said, "Shall we accept merely what is good from the true God and not accept also what is bad?" The principle is beautiful and was just what I needed to reflect on. Should I only praise my best friend and have faith in him when I am receiving blessings and not also when facing challenges or tests of my integrity? Should I only do what I should when it is convenient for me and not also when it is difficult? As long as it is a fight to stay in the fight, I can be sure that my enemy has not conquered me and I have not drowned myself. I have the precious privilege of bringing praise to his (my friend's) name by means of my choices, actions, and I truly hope that I do. I know that I will always have things to improve, and I may not be a very good servant, but I hope that I will always strive to give him my best! I can also draw comfort from knowing that he does not expect more than that from me, as well as that he is ever so loving and patient with me. So even though I don't do as well as I would like, by his merciful love, he doesn't give up on me. I just hope that I overcome this rut soon with his help and remain faithful to him forever. I don't want to be like this, I want to do better.

Resolve

So I'm going to try to continue to focus on doing what I can, when I can, and finding a way around/over the obstacles that I cannot change. Or as it was once said, "Give me the strength to change the things I can, and accept the things I can not change." I hope I can remember this. Although I may always have these kind of struggles, against discouragement and faith, I truly believe and hope that my friend has the power to make change me to a great degree and that my mentality can become like his son's. We can't give up! We have to keep moving forward! 

Apologies

So I will try to keep my readers posted. I am truly sorry that these entries have been so negative. I have not expressed my appreciation for the many friends that have offered kind, loving words of encouragement. They have truly been of insurmountable help! This includes my readers that have kindly offered encouragement when noticing I was feeling down, or even thought about me and wished to help me in some way. Although I cannot tell all of the friends I would like to in person, I will say it now in words that do no justice to the feeling. Thank you friends!